Surgery Stops For No-One

Well life certainly does not take a break for any kind of healing of body or spirit in spite of anything else going on.  I came through my surgery on the April 21st and I go to the doctor Monday and then May 4, I will start therapy and get hopefully feeling better physically. Still in pain hard to know how things are going to turn out pain wise.  But I am not paralyzed or peeing in a bag. :)  So that is a win in my eyes and I thank god!
Three weeks prior to surgery and its been 4 weeks since my personal life has been out of control and filled with fear.  My son is in trouble again and running with the wrong crowd.  Getting in trouble and this time he is 19 and I can't save him from jail or anything else.  Of course not that he wants me too,  Because he is back in the drug word which means " I don't even want to see you mom"..  My daughter is friendly and going through the motions. Three weeks before surgery nothing but fighting with my adult kids. Mean ass fighting.  A week before the surgery I asked all three kids if I could talk to them and all came.  I said I love you...I was worried anger would be the last words we could have...the surgery was serious and you never know.
Josh left the house soon after, 3 weeks after coming home from the hospital I kicked him out because he was so disrespectful.  Misty and I after that conversation have been like equal ground.  No one throws punches.  Not that I could ...I am so tried, I am so tried.  Justin he is 15 and is just living his life and loves me for who I am just as he always has.  I am home, stressed, worried not talking to Josh don't know if he is okay where he is ...he got fired from his job...I know nothing else....Misty calls daily and pops in every now and again and we talk small talk.   Nothing of value from her or from me.  It is as if we are strangers.  I get to hear the cute things my granddaughters do from face book...which is better than noting at all.  I'm tired, and I am sure they are all sick of hearing me complain.  It's been four years  now.  Four YEARS!  My emotions are so out of control right now just because of the surgery..but normally I am very tender and emotionally too.
I keep trying to figure out what to do...how to do it...Maybe they all have resentment towards me for the fours years, which as much as I wish I could take all this back and never have had this happen...for them.  I believe now I am starting to resent them for little compassion, kindness, tolerance and for the mother I have been for them for every time in their lives they ever needed me.  I have never not been there for them.  The last four years has been horriable..no one will ever understand chronic pain unless they live it...not Doctors, spouse, family, friends, No One So don't judge me!  I want to feel good and be able to do what I want and by myself...I don't want to be greedy or un-appreciative but god I pray...I am lucky enough to have these things in the future.

Chronic pain is such a powerful thing, once you finally cave and give it your power.  It is very hard to stand back up and be the person you were meant to be.  I don't want to be who they want anymore I just want me to know and like who I am and not judge myself. I want tooooo....dreammmmm!