Dedicated to Josh & Misty but most importantly Myself!

The last few days all three of my kids in their own ways have said something to me that has finally turned a light bulb on for me.  Josh's was very brutal truth but I knew it to be the truth and had actually journaled it before privately.  He just said the words out loud, Misty I have known for some time I just didn't want to see it she shows me often in her actions.  Justin tenderly told me on a walk in a round about way today always carefully choosing his words.  
After careful consideration I realize they are all right.  Although I think guilt is highly over rated and does no good.  I am doing my best to remember that, because I can't change the past.  But this is my goal...no matter physically how I feel from here on out my words and actions will be "I feel great"  if they ask as far as they are concerned, I will be positive when I am around them.  I will enjoy the time I have when they choose to be with me.  I will not chase the older kids any more, I will not try and buy or do things to get their love other than show them love.  I will dedicate the same amount of energy they choose to put into the relationship no more 80/20.   I will respect they have their lives to live and will always be there but will no longer be a bother or feel an old woman trying to fit into a place I don't fit.  I will make the last three years with Justin fun so he will have some happy memories like the other two kids. He will be starting high school and he needs some of those good memories from me and deserves them.   He has not had the same childhood or seen me as the same mother the other two kids did even though they would not admit that he needs to see me happy and fun. 

This is what I think... What I figured out and am going to try like hell to follow and pray for gods help to remember and guide me through it.  The last thing I realize is it is no longer my job to hold a family together that no one in that family wants to be held together, a family that has no kind words or compassion for each other.  A family I never thought I raised but It's my family and I have no control any more.  I love them all but I can't make them care about me or even each other.  We all have our own paths and our own believe of what family and kindness is. 
Today I feel my family is an apple tree and I am a pear stuck in that tree, I wonder where I fit and how this happened, I'm out of place and no matter what I can't be a apple.  And my family keeps saying: "your not a pear your an apple what is wrong with you"?.  And I have been sick because I keep thinking what the hell is wrong with me!  I finally realized nothing is wrong with me,  I'm just a pear.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.  
To let go is not to cut myself off,  it's the realization I can't control another.  
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.  
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. 
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself. 
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.  
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.  
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. 
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies. 
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality. 
To let go is not to deny, but to accept. 
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.  
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.  
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.  To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more and To let go and to let God, is to find peace !