Less Space, Less Things, More Life

2012-02-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

I have just watched a program that touched me deeply. I have pledged to help make a monthly difference no matter how small I can see it could change someones life. We are so lucky to live in the USA where our basic needs we don't think twice about. Standing and acting together as one...we can change the world. It takes $1300.00 to move someone living in a sheet tent with not even running water to move them in a small house. We all buy coffee, soda, bottled water or newspapers everyday... please donate that amount to help make a "real" change in someone's life! Please take a look ...Thank you!

http://www.crowdrise.com/haiti/fundraiser/christytobler

Grateful

2011-12-02T03:09:00.000-07:00

Sitting her tonight reading some of my old post. Makes me laugh how the mind can play tricks on you and make you feel sometimes life is not worth living or that we are not worthly of love. I have grown so much through the trials of the last few years and am so grateful for all good and bad. Looking forward to what comes next. Life every changing and keeping us on our toes.

Doterra Essential Oils and your 7 Chakras

2011-11-08T17:06:00.001-07:00

Essential Oil for Root Chakra – Doterra’s “Balance”
This chakra is red and located at the base of the spine. It is associated with survival, drive, ambition and courage. It grounds our energy in the physical dimension our life force and balances our experiences that create fight or flight
Essential Oil for Sacral Chakra – Doterra’s “Cirus Bliss”
This Chakra is yellow and is located in the lower abdomen about two fingers below the naval. It is associated with creativity, sexuality, relationships and reproduction.
Essential Oil for Solar Plexus – Doterra’s “Digestzen Oil”
This Chakra is yellow and is located below the sternum. It is associated with personal power, emotions, (especially blocked emotions), passion for living and the ability to protect our self from the target of negative or aggression emotions.
Essential Oils for Heart Chakra – Dottera’s “Breathe Oil”
This Chakra is green and is located in the center of our chest. It is associated with compassion, friendship, empathy and the ability to give and receive
Essential Oil for the Throat Chakra- Dottera;s “Whisper” Oil
This chakra is cobalt blue and is located at the throat. It is associated with communication, expression and speaking ones truth.
Essential Oil for the Third Eye Chakra - Doterra;s “Serenity” Oil
This Chakra is indigo blue and is located between our eyebrows. It is associated with intuition, understanding, visualization and inner vision
Essential Oils for the Crown Chakra – Doterra’s “Elevation” Oil
The Chakra is Violet and White it is located the crown of our head. It is associated with cosmic awareness, spirituality and our connection to the Divine

•To order the chakra set and other products please go to my link:

www.mydottera.com/christytobler then click on shop for products at the top right of the screen and click on United States and begin shopping the product will be directly shipped to your home

•You can sign up as Independent Product Consultant on my home page www.mydottera.com/christytobler under quick links at the left bottom page and follow the form

You can learn more and order or sign up directly through me

my email is christytobler@comcast.net

Doterra Emergency Oils

2011-11-07T09:02:00.001-07:00

http://www.thedoterrasingapore.com/main/Articles/Entries/2011/4/26_Emergency_Oils.html

Those in Pain...

2011-10-12T22:32:00.001-06:00

I have been fighting chronic pain for a long time and have tried everything and anything to help me in that area of my life. Recently I was introduced to essential oils. They are the oldest medicine on earth and how they got forgotten I don't understand. But for all my chronic pain friends. Take a look at Doterra Essential Oils. I pray it will change your life for the good as well. Take a look at deep blue, frankincense and wintergreen you will be amazed. Make sure they are pure oils and they will not help so if you buy cheaper oils...beware.
http://www.mydoterra.com/christytobler/

Intuition

2011-07-26T23:33:00.000-06:00

Feel and trust your true feelings of intuition, remember that the soul is not afraid, is not angered, and is not resentful. Our divine selves are clear and free by unskilled energies. Our divine selves exist in harmony with the qualified energies of only love, peace, and joy. This is our Truth that is ours by Divine Right.

I Shall Believe...

2011-07-20T20:13:00.005-06:00

Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it's a lie Say it will be alright

And I shall believe I'm broken in two

And I know you're on to me

That I only come home

When I'm so all alone

But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly you won't give up on me

And I shall believe

Open the door

And show me your face tonight

I know it's true

No one heals me like you

And you hold the key

Never again would

I turn away from you

I'm so heavy tonight

But your love is alright

And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly

You won't give up on me

And I shall believe

I shall believe

Father Thomas Keating

2011-07-10T19:37:00.001-06:00

I loved this ...What a great out look and sense of humor to boot..take a listen please...

What does this say about us....

2011-05-19T00:32:00.002-06:00

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
Do you know that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
We spend more time on work than with our own family, this is an unwise investment.
The word FAMILY just mean (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER, (I), (L)OVE, (Y)OU!

Dedicated to Josh & Misty but most importantly Myself!

2011-05-02T21:03:00.007-06:00

The last few days all three of my kids in their own ways have said something to me that has finally turned a light bulb on for me. Josh's was very brutal truth but I knew it to be the truth and had actually journaled it before privately. He just said the words out loud, Misty I have known for some time I just didn't want to see it she shows me often in her actions. Justin tenderly told me on a walk in a round about way today always carefully choosing his words.
After careful consideration I realize they are all right. Although I think guilt is highly over rated and does no good. I am doing my best to remember that, because I can't change the past. But this is my goal...no matter physically how I feel from here on out my words and actions will be "I feel great" if they ask as far as they are concerned, I will be positive when I am around them. I will enjoy the time I have when they choose to be with me. I will not chase the older kids any more, I will not try and buy or do things to get their love other than show them love. I will dedicate the same amount of energy they choose to put into the relationship no more 80/20. I will respect they have their lives to live and will always be there but will no longer be a bother or feel an old woman trying to fit into a place I don't fit. I will make the last three years with Justin fun so he will have some happy memories like the other two kids. He will be starting high school and he needs some of those good memories from me and deserves them. He has not had the same childhood or seen me as the same mother the other two kids did even though they would not admit that he needs to see me happy and fun.

This is what I think... What I figured out and am going to try like hell to follow and pray for gods help to remember and guide me through it. The last thing I realize is it is no longer my job to hold a family together that no one in that family wants to be held together, a family that has no kind words or compassion for each other. A family I never thought I raised but It's my family and I have no control any more. I love them all but I can't make them care about me or even each other. We all have our own paths and our own believe of what family and kindness is.
Today I feel my family is an apple tree and I am a pear stuck in that tree, I wonder where I fit and how this happened, I'm out of place and no matter what I can't be a apple. And my family keeps saying: "your not a pear your an apple what is wrong with you"?. And I have been sick because I keep thinking what the hell is wrong with me! I finally realized nothing is wrong with me, I'm just a pear.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more and To let go and to let God, is to find peace !

Never Say Never

2011-04-28T08:50:00.016-06:00

I need to read this everyday and remember I have control only over how I choose to respond to thing happening around me. God help me leave my heart open to love, heal and keep my emotions under control as much as possible considering all that is going on.

Surgery Stops For No-One

2011-04-21T21:50:00.003-06:00

Well life certainly does not take a break for any kind of healing of body or spirit in spite of anything else going on. I came through my surgery on the April 21st and I go to the doctor Monday and then May 4, I will start therapy and get hopefully feeling better physically. Still in pain hard to know how things are going to turn out pain wise. But I am not paralyzed or peeing in a bag. :) So that is a win in my eyes and I thank god!
Three weeks prior to surgery and its been 4 weeks since my personal life has been out of control and filled with fear. My son is in trouble again and running with the wrong crowd. Getting in trouble and this time he is 19 and I can't save him from jail or anything else. Of course not that he wants me too, Because he is back in the drug word which means " I don't even want to see you mom".. My daughter is friendly and going through the motions. Three weeks before surgery nothing but fighting with my adult kids. Mean ass fighting. A week before the surgery I asked all three kids if I could talk to them and all came. I said I love you...I was worried anger would be the last words we could have...the surgery was serious and you never know.
Josh left the house soon after, 3 weeks after coming home from the hospital I kicked him out because he was so disrespectful. Misty and I after that conversation have been like equal ground. No one throws punches. Not that I could ...I am so tried, I am so tried. Justin he is 15 and is just living his life and loves me for who I am just as he always has. I am home, stressed, worried not talking to Josh don't know if he is okay where he is ...he got fired from his job...I know nothing else....Misty calls daily and pops in every now and again and we talk small talk. Nothing of value from her or from me. It is as if we are strangers. I get to hear the cute things my granddaughters do from face book...which is better than noting at all. I'm tired, and I am sure they are all sick of hearing me complain. It's been four years now. Four YEARS! My emotions are so out of control right now just because of the surgery..but normally I am very tender and emotionally too.
I keep trying to figure out what to do...how to do it...Maybe they all have resentment towards me for the fours years, which as much as I wish I could take all this back and never have had this happen...for them. I believe now I am starting to resent them for little compassion, kindness, tolerance and for the mother I have been for them for every time in their lives they ever needed me. I have never not been there for them. The last four years has been horriable..no one will ever understand chronic pain unless they live it...not Doctors, spouse, family, friends, No One So don't judge me! I want to feel good and be able to do what I want and by myself...I don't want to be greedy or un-appreciative but god I pray...I am lucky enough to have these things in the future.

Chronic pain is such a powerful thing, once you finally cave and give it your power. It is very hard to stand back up and be the person you were meant to be. I don't want to be who they want anymore I just want me to know and like who I am and not judge myself. I want tooooo....dreammmmm!

Dare I?

2011-04-14T16:32:00.003-06:00

My sadness over runs me now each time I try and stand. I am tired of losing and no longer have the power to even try again. I quit, I lay my head for rest just to catch my breathe. My eyes they open, I look and see and tears become the rest. No more strength falls unto to feet, no more light into my heart. He kicks hards, I close my eyes. I have no more desire.
I fall asleep in the greenest meadow love is all I feel, I owe no one, I have no fear it's love that's here to stay. Dare I open my eyes? To risk the dream to leave? The feeling is so beautiful I never want to leave. Slowly I open one at a time the beauty of it all. I'm not tired, not afraid, I have my heart's desire!
Where is this place, I do not know, I never want to leave, kindness, love, teaching of light what more could I every need. I want to stay and feel the light and love surrounding me. No pain, no heartless, no un-kind words spoken here. No kicking anyone when down, only helping from the ground.

I am here....

2011-04-08T22:32:00.000-06:00

I am home and doing okay. I get up everyday and do the things I should do and thank god for no stroke and the use of my legs. As for now this just takes time, emotional and physically. I thought I would update my friends and keep moving forward for today this light is lite and I follow.\

Here We Go...Last Blog for 7 Days...

2011-03-21T06:41:00.000-06:00

So tomorrow I go to surgery in the morning, I won't blog again until I come home from the hospital. I have some real anxiety today but, for the first time in a long time I also have hope. The hope of that I may dream again. But most important I have come to an understanding that I let go and let god...whatever happens I will be okay. I have the most beautiful family and extended family that not matter what I am so blessed and I guess that is really what life is about and I need to remember that... God bless my family and myself for the coming weeks ahead.

Dark Times

2011-03-15T23:17:00.012-06:00

In a dark time, the eye begins to see,

I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood--
A lord of nature weeping to a tree,
I live between the heron and the wren,

Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.
What's madness but nobility of soul
At odds with circumstance? The day's on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall,
That place among the rocks--is it a cave,
Or winding path? The edge is what I have.

A steady storm of correspondences!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is--

Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.
Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?

A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.

Theodore Rothke

The Day is Here.

2011-02-27T23:17:00.004-07:00

Well the day is here and set March 22 I will do the surgery. Things have changed since last I saw the doctor and but I am choosing to look at it as everything has it's time I like the doctor and yes I have anxiety but I can't put this off anymore, paraplegic is not a word I want to hear or live with, so now it is just finding peace for the next few weeks for the wait out. The doctor is booked and then out of town so I deal with the wait and be soft with myself. I am pretty jumpy and very sensitive, I hope my family finds patiences and tolerance and extra kindness I will need it. I will try and journal this process and my thoughts....here I go for "The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and then act accordingly."

Facing Fear

2011-02-22T00:31:00.005-07:00

So the big week is finally here, I'm so glad! The learking has been very hard I'm ready to hear the plan and move forward. I am done running. Face the unknown and move into the fear head on whatever it may be. Friday can't come quick enough for me or my husband. Trying humor this week and last to be gentle on me and allowing myself to come to terms and find peace with it. Because it is out of my control anyway. Peace is all I can try and keep. "When you are the Master of your Destiny whatever that may be...Your prepared for the Unknown...You invite the Dance...I chose to Dance and not in Fear but in happiness and laughter...as long as I Dance in some way in Life...I am Okay.

My Fear, My Faith

2011-02-16T23:56:00.013-07:00

Fear of motion, fear of pain. Hoping it won’t start again! Constant companion, constant foe. Endless presence, endless woe. Angel pills bring some relief, But they're disguised as a thief. Gives a moment of some peace, then leaves you burning and with some heat. Two white to relax, two blue to relieve. It as if I'm living a very bad dream!

Don’t take too much or be accused that your enjoying your bad news! Take two much, your always thinking

all hope you lose of even living! Nerve block injections add to the force. Longer relief sent straight to the source. If I move, does it begin? A turn of the back, a tie of the shoe. Maybe a walk, will my health improve? Or leave me so I just can’t move. Fear of motion, fear of pain. Fear of not moving, I grow weak again. Fear of damage, pills may wreak. How much more, can I expect? Fear of the surgery I have run from. It now has come, to a dead end wall. Face the fear it's okay, My fear from God, has all gone away.

My Black Sea

2011-02-11T01:24:00.006-07:00

I stood upon a rock in the midst of a black sea.
And for a very long time I sat and watched days roll over me.
A vast shipwreck of my life's self esteem seem to vanish in the sky.
And looking up above, all I saw were clouds go by.
I often felt they shadowed me with just a touch of sun,
To let me feel the lose or inspiration of what was done.
Waves of pain hit my feet and tried to make me fall.
But there I stood all those years, and still I'm standing tall.
But then, the thing I had feared all those years appeared,
It didn't matter where I been or what I had taken place
All the same it was here and rocked me back into this space
The storm it came with full force, and crashing waves of pain,
But this time, I couldn't stand and I began to fall.
Water all around me now, I can hardly breathe,
Gasping for the air again, God I need relief.
Panic seems to fill my head, Fear so in my face
But this time I just know, it's all about the faith
My Slipping hands from the rocks, the stabbing pain numbing
I find it's time to finally say the words spoken oh so loud
"Let go my friend" and take no stand, this thing you can't control
Take destiny hand and understand, This life you never know.

Priceless...

2011-02-10T00:20:00.005-07:00

Am I surprised? Yes. News I wanted to hear? No. Has it sunk in? No How the hell? I have no idea. Are you scared? Not sure how I feel...not the right thing to say right? Asking questions to yourself and answering them...even scarier...lol

Would You?

2010-12-26T00:17:00.009-07:00

Would you notice if I went away? Sometime I wonder if any one would notice...other than my family I think not. When I really think about that, it settles in a weird spot with me. I started really looking at this about a year ago. I have no real friends to speak of other than my family and sometimes that thought doesn't bother me and other times it does. Would it matter...how do you know if you even make any kind of difference. Would the world be a different place? No, the answer is no. Sadly my family would struggle, no doubt. Some more than others. but in the end, no one would notice if I went away.

The What If's

2010-12-10T11:03:00.005-07:00

As I sit and stare at my life today and wonder what the future brings for me. I stand in the moment and sadness is what I feel today. Over the top sadness, I have done allot of personal work this year. Work I am proud of, however, I am lost in the world of today. Spiritually, I am closer to my soul than I have ever been. I am kinder, thoughtful, and use light to guide my ways. I have my moments in anger but have the ability and grace to see to realize and catch myself when doing things that are hurtful and try again with lessons learned. I am scared for many things still and fear is no way to lead a life. Funny now it is not for my health or the surgery I am going to have...it is for my family. What will become of it...it is for the love of my life...it is for what I will do with me. Those are the things that haunt me, the things that keep me awake. God bless and guide me through 2011 and anyone else reading this blog...I need the prayer....

I have Learned...

2010-12-06T09:03:00.009-07:00

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that I have worried about are of no importance what so ever! Compassion, Kindness, love, learning through experience is a life worth living!

Love Means Never Saying Your Sorry...

2010-10-13T00:40:00.004-06:00

What is it about us that makes us think love is money or love is only given to chosen few, that love is power and to be used for those purposes. That we only can be loved the way we "think" we should be loved...our way is the only "right" way to be loved. Society has taught us these things. But, in our quietness of our souls, our divine truth lies quietly waiting to be heard. Love is not guilt, nor shame. Love is not acceptance or forgiveness. Love needs no forgiveness or acceptance because, it just is...It is effortless and knows no boundaries. Love causes no pain for it has no expectations. Love is always from the highest place in ones soul and only lives in that place of light. It only wants the highest light for the ones they love with no thoughts of payments or duties to be returned. Love never judges or condemns or tries to change a perfect creation made from the hand of god...it just admires the beauty and learns the things that make us different. Think about the world we world live in today...then think if we all could love like this way what our world would be like the possibilities are endless! In my mind...Love is a beautiful thing. I chose to try and love this way every day of my life and when or if I fall....I get up, brush myself off, gently allow myself to learn and love again. We live in a special time and place.

Help Others.org: A Little Girl's Lesson in Love and Compassion -- A Kindness Story

2010-06-13T21:05:00.002-06:00

I found this and love it and I thought I would share...

Help Others.org: A Little Girl's Lesson in Love and Compassion -- A Kindness Story

Does anyone really care?

2010-05-28T12:47:00.006-06:00

Tonight I write my truth, tonight I don't lie! Tonight I am sad and in pain and the need to say it! I am feeling sorry for myself. Tonight I give myself permission to do so.
"I am a woman who lives with chronic pain, I understand, live, eat and drink it every day".
My personal symptoms of Chronic Pain are: An aching, stabbing, pulling, shooting, burning, throbbing or stinging sensation that lasts for more than a day or two and is not relieved, or at least not for very long. Many times my pain has wore on me so bad that I have a melt down. I am so over dealing with it. Now I am adding to the list headache! The symptoms are blurry vision (usually in one eye), lightheaded, dizziness and equilibrium problems, nausea, more sleep disturbances, and knots in my muscles that are like boulders. Headaches almost daily! It has taken some time to realize and see my reality for what it is today. Pain has a way of telling us there is something wrong. A plea to sit up and take notice. There is something out of kilt that needs to be dealt with, either emotionally or physically. If we did not have pain, we would not know what to avoid. Most of us have experienced the stiff pain of a pulled muscle, the sting of a scorched fingertip, or the throb of an occasional headache, and survived. But...It is all-together a different matter to live with chronic pain, which can be disabling. A disabling act that is not visible.
Did you hear that last statement?
Aha... there...it's finally out! A disabling act that is not visible. You don't often see or hear about my real truth, Why? Because you don't want to hear it... The truth of what is happening.. I don't think so...I have figured most people don't really care to hear the truth, they ask how I am... because it is the right thing to do. Most don't even listen to you answer...so why bother...hell, sometimes, even the ones that do care don't even want to hear it! It is an Old Story, I am an old story...My Pain! When my pain is really flared up like today, it seems to be endless. Fear becomes my friend again. Not knowing how to control my pain, or knowing when it will end. Quickly raises my level of fear and apprehension, which, in turn, causes me a tremendous amount of stress, which generates more pain. In fact, fear may also be what caused my pain in the first place. Either way...Pain scares the hell out of me.
My pain has created a situation of isolation for myself. It brings on depression which gets harder and harder to get out of it. It is the isolation the leads me to negative emotions and often, low self-esteem, which increases pain levels once more. In my relationships, pain blocks sensible communication, putting a strain on normal communication. Paranoia rises high. I chose to not tell any truth! I say it is great...so it is great! (laughing to myself) only funny to those who understand this letter. It is not easy to voice my pain and concerns built on fear to people I love. When I feel like this..it leads me down the path to depression. This is my reality.
My life has been stolen...I can't complain thou because people then think you are ungrateful and they make sure to point out it could be allot worse. Well no shit, you think I don't know that?? But for me pain sometimes keeps me from being the person I am ...the person I dream to be. I wake in the morning not to the sunlight or sound of the birds... I wake to pain!! When I go to sleep, pain is the last thing I remember...you don't get it....you never will, until you walk in my shoes!
My doctor said well last time I saw you...you were doing better. Lol... good days, bad days. Even a doctor does not get it. The people I love...they don't know my private thoughts of my pain...they are clueless to what or how I am doing. It makes me cry when they say "well maybe it will be good weather tomorrow and you can exercise and feel better". Lol...you think I don't want these things? You think I would not love to get and do whatever the hell I wanted?? Think about that...think about what I have lost and lose everyday. Yes, I am blessed in my life. But there are hard lessons and realities I see every moment of the day.
As I cry writing these words..It is not the pain that makes me cry...it's that it doesn't stop...it is a wearing down process. It wears me down, down until sometimes it cripples me. I expect good and bad days...but there are days I am broken and can't hide.
I feel alone...is anyone really out there who cares?

The World is a Beautiful Place...And I am Home

2010-05-04T07:32:00.003-06:00

Well, life seems to be settling down and the stars have somewhat aligned. I have learn a ton of things about myself, some good and some bad. I need to work on several things. But, the beauty is I want to be the best me I can. So I move forward with my goals. I am defining things I get to work on first.

The first thing I am working on is taking better care emotionally and physically for myself. This is hard for me because, it feels so selfish, and that is and attribute I don not care for. But, one of the lessons I learned is I am no good to anyone including myself, if I don't put me first, that doesn't have an ugly meaning to it, unless...I put an ugly meaning to it. Hmmm. So I am in a time of life that I am getting older and hopefull wiser lol. A person who learns from their mistakes and can move forward. It is never too early or late to make some changes to improve yourself to greatly enrich your life, and also the lives of the people around you. So, I take my first step. First, to change my life, I have to have the desire to do so, this desire is burning into my soul, that I can hardly think of little else. If I do not have the drive to change and succeed, then soon enough I will drift into old habits of doing nothing and achieving nothing. I am still laspe back into those habits...ahhh but. at least I know that I'm doing it...that is a bonus.

For self improvement, I need to look deep into myself, and be true to myself, and think what do I get to change about me and my life. I will the get a clear vision in my mind. Self improvement can mentally, physically and spiritually change the way I look at life, I know this because, I have done it, by making improvements in the mental aspect, you often find that the other 2 will follow easily I have learned this recently, lol.

I will make myself mentally aware of my surroundings. Take in the scenery and glory of the world and everyday my life around me. I will marvel at sunsets, big black clouds, a roaring fires, the stars above, and my family with the simplicity in which my grand children view life. I realise that I am one tiny cog in the whole scene recongizing this I think it will help to throw the cloak of self-importance and then have the ability to assist me in thinking more clearly. If I lose my "ego" I can free my mind. I can only work on this for me, with no expectation of changing anyone else around me. That means losing "Control" if you know me...that is huge...I am a control freak!

Next help my fellow man. This will assist me in kick-starting the law of attraction. The feeling I get when I have done a good turn is worth its weight in gold. I think if we all thought this way, the world would be a better place. President Obama, is a huge inspiration to me, under huge scrutiny he is trying to do the right thing with health care. Look at the people bucking the system and the ugly things they are saying...come on...why? Money. Money. The right thing is everyone should have the right to have insurance or in my niece's world...she was un_insurable because she had cancer. That is so wrong. We determine if the world is better or worse place. By voting and standing up for the right thing, The thing you believe!

I am also working on calmness, patience, desire, persistence and motivation. They are cornerstones to my self improvement, and with these attributes I can move mountains and can change my life faster than I ever thought I could, I know this because I have also done that before when I worked. Right now, I have worked myself out of a storm and made it! I am loving the "real" person I am...the person that I am finally getting to know, the person I want to be. Old habits die hard but, I am determined and if you know me at all...that is when I make things happen. I have hid for so many years under "working" that when I stopped...the me I knew was gone that scared me out of my mind. I believe not many know me. I tend to fall back to the comfort of my old ways when pushed, because unfourtunalty that is home for me...for now. But, at least now I can see that is what is happening, that is the first part of my change. And remembering the old ways, are not who I am or what I believe is in my soul...I just need to love myself and have confidence in me...be soft with me, forgiving when I slip, love me. More to come on my quest for the person I strive to be ...better, kinder, a healthy woman. I am home

Tolerance is Under Rated!

2010-04-25T21:23:00.004-06:00

"Be curious, not judgmental.” – Walt Whitman

Everyone is judgmental. People may say they are not. But then, that is not being honest with yourself is it?. It’s human nature to act this way, we don't like it but, it is the way it is! I do believe you can try your best to work on by being aware of it when you are doing this, that in turn, will help us be a better person.

But, when we look down on others, as if we are so much better … then cast our judgement! This is when we start to see division among all of us. Think about it for a second: we see someone, and based on their looks or actions, we pass judgment on them. Not good judgment, most of the time. Usually without even knowing the person. We don’t make an effort to get to know the person, or understand them. It's easier to laugh or say "I can't believe they just did that".

Now consider what happens when we pass judgment on people we love? We see something they do, and we get angry and think "well who do they think they are"! And THEN we think we know how they should be...that is the key word. Did you catch it? We begin to think we know how "they should be". We judge them again and again. We don't want to look at their perspective, why should we? We are right...right?

We set expectations, which is the worst thing we can do...because that usually leads to disappointment. We don’t want to hear their story of why they act like they do? Hell, we don’t even care. To begin to understand, we have to listen, not just act like we are...we need to listen actively. We need to build a bridge between two human beings that love and care for one another. That is something we all forget about to often in our busy lives.

Can you build a bridge with every single person you meet? Probably not. That takes time and effort, two things we’re usually short on anyways. But for the people we love and care about...we should have unconditional love and time. We are blessed to have people that we love in our life's. We get to assist with our communication skills. Don't let things fester and build. That is when things are said and done. Things that can't be taken back.

Instead of judging someone for what they have done... lets try instead to understand the person. Put ourselves in their shoes. Try to imagine their background. If possible, talk to them. Find out their back story. Everyone has one. I have read a million times...you can't possible understand why someone chose what they did unless you have walked in their shoes...why do we presume to walk in others shoes?

If we try and listen and even kind of understand, we can begin to accept. Accept that person for who "they are" without us trying to change them. Accept that people will act the way they chose to live their life's. Don't put our standards or thoughts on others...what the hell do we know?

We only know what is right for ourselves, not others. The world is what it is, and as much as we try, we can only change a little bit of it, pur own piece of the pie. Can't we try to change that little piece by showing empathy instead of judgment?

I have decided I am really going to work on this...because it is the right thing to do. I am sick of being judged, but, I have no right to be...why? Because I judge...it's a cycle. I may be ahead of the game today if I make that choice, to be better than who I am today. I get to be better and more loving to the people that mean the most to me. It is what I believe unconditional love is or at least what it means to me personally.

Today, I will love with all my heart, the good, the bad and the ugly. I get to work on doing the same for myself. I will keep failing but, by doing that...I am more successful in my life. I see their is always ways for me to fail. I have done it a million times in my life. But with every failure, I have Success which then has given me hunger to be better. I will accept people I love for who they are, with unconditional love not judgment. Just Love, Acceptance and Understanding, without attempting to change them into someone I "think they should be". This my dream...My failure...my failure that always leads me to every success I have ever had in my life. I Fail, I have Faith, I Succeed, I set my next Goal Higher. My goal...I love Unconditionally.

Pain writes me a letter...

2010-01-13T06:57:00.006-07:00

MY NAME IS BACK PAIN

Dearest Christy,

Hi....My Name is chronic pain, and I'm an Invisible Chronic Illness. I am now velcroed to you for life. Others around you can't see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me every day. I can attack you anywhere and anyhow I please. I can cause severe pain or, if I'm in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun? Remember when you worked and excelled at everything you did? I took Energy and work from you, and gave you Exhaustion and Failure instead. Times you could laugh and enjoy or do things with your family or feel accomplishment? Try to have fun or feel that now! I also took Good Sleep from you and, in its place, gave you Brain Fog. I gave you the ability and will to lash out at the people you love for no reason, your kids especially won't understand they will just wonder where did their mom go!

I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. Oh, yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed too. People around you will have no idea, because you look fine on the outside.

If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away, too. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons:

Maybe it was a virus you had that you never recovered from, or a car accident, it could be something you are not even aware you did. It could be aggravated by stress throughout your life. Who knows, who cares? And well, it doesn't matter why anyway, I'm here to stay! I hear you're going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I'm rolling on the floor, laughing! Just try!

You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. You will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, back pill, energy pills and others. You will be told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, be given a TENs unit, massage, injections or surgery. You will be told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away, this makes me… laugh out loud. You will be told to think positively, poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken as seriously as you feel you should…when you cry to the doctor or family about how debilitating life is every day.

Your family, and friends you may have left, they will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I don’t care if you’re sick of me! Especially because, I can fool them, you do not look sick, you just look weak or tired and maybe depressed. This is the beauty of me inside, you… don't look the part. Then, when I am in a good mood and I chose to really hit you hard, they still can't see me and you my friend, will just look stoned and like you are feeling sorry for yourself. Some of Your family, won't understand and they will say things like "Oh, you are just having a bad day" or "Well, remember, you can't do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago", not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago. “Things can always be worse”…as if you don’t already know that…but today… I make you not care!

Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a "Normal" person, and can't remember what you were going to say next! You are doing things that are so embarrassing that you try and laugh with them but, inside you are filled with fear because of the things you are doing. Some of them say “she is crazy the way she is acting, she needs to stop taking so many drugs”! You will begin to have no self esteem and think you have nothing to offer, and believe maybe you are crazy. You will not recognize who you are and who you will be...you will just be.

In closing, (I was hoping that I kept this part a secret), but, I guess you already found out...the ONLY place you will get real understanding in dealing with me...is me!

See you soon,
Pain

Being a mom is painful today...

2010-01-07T15:56:00.003-07:00

The year of 2009 was a very aging and learning year. I have aged years physically and mentally from issues of my back and children. I vowed 2010 would be a different year for me. However it still seems too leaning into that same place. My son has moved back home and is only nice when he wants something. He is very good at manipulating me. My daughter thinks I was and am to blame for her low self esteem growing up. Both say because, I over think things, I am to blame for most of the family fights. Both say things I can’t believe. It is true I over think and am very sensitive. I wish I could change that to be more cold but...I can't this is me the real me and so I love my good and bad and will embrace this part of me. Mo matter how people think I should or should not be.

Today I told my daughter I don’t want to see her for a while, after she said the above things. I worry she will hold those beautiful girls, the loves of my life from me. But at this point, it is my survival. I think I have been very close to a breakdown and could easily be pushed there.

I have been sitting here all afternoon, soul searching is this me? Am I crazy as told by my kids? Does my husband feel the same way as both have suggested? Why is he the hero and I am always the bad guy? Am I or have I been a good mother? I seem to ask these questions all the time. Why am I so insecure about being a good mom?

The problem with my kids as I see it… for one is their unwillingness to see me as a human being rather than the 'mom'. I think I am to blame for mistakes in their lives or for their own behaviors. When should kids take responsibility for themselves? No one can make them fight because it takes two people to fight…not just a mother. Or saying mean ugly things, they chose to do those things. My kids had too much growing up I realize this, they were spoiled. Many kids come from much worse back grounds other than I was a control freak or called names to my teenage daughter and manage to still love and appreciate, respect their parents, if for no other reason than what they did to get you to today. I have made many mistakes being a mother and wish I could start all over again with the knowledge I have now. But, that is the way it is for all of us and will be the way for them as well down the line. As long as I do and say what they want to hear, I am the mom of the century. But, rock the boat by thinking of me; I am the worse mom of the century. Do they think I want to continually fight and like the way this is all coming down? Is throwing stones at glass houses helpful? What happened to kindness, compassion?

Have I taken responsibility for those mistakes? Yes! Have I sincerely apologized? Yes, many times and still do. How long do I have to tolerate the blame or shoving of those things in my face, how long? The feelings of my kids do not seem to run as deep as mine. I get hurt easily and want to fix everything. I am very insecure with their love. Can’t I love them without being their doormat because they feel I didn’t do something the right way? Why so judgmental?
My daughter is very judgmental...however it seems I am the one that is continuously being judged. I fear it is a matter of time and we will be estranged. I am never good enough, never done enough. I will never live up to what she needs or be the kind of mother she thinks I should be. My son is 18 and doesn’t know anything, he has dropped out of school, got emancipated to turn around and be living with me again when it was granted. He has told me he would feel nothing if I died today. He has stolen, lied and said and done unforgivable things.
If I didn't have a loving, giving and faithful husband who sees the situation like I do, I may have thought I'd go crazy. They believe I am crazy…hurting my back and figuring out my medications confirmed that for them. Although I must admit it would have been easy to go there had it not been for the child under age I am still trying to raise. In fact, having back issue which escapes them all and having endured the behavior this last year, did bring me to the point of almost going crazy. I have been in counseling because of all this.
I can’t do this anymore. So I decided to ask some questions of myself and consider what is selfish in this day and age. Is it me or is it a generation redefining the terms to suit their needs or am I really just selfish by my own nature.
Question: Did you choose to have your kids? Yes, all three kids were planned
Did you love, hug, kiss and tell your kids you love them often? Yes, all the time and I still do
Did you provide a place to live, food, and clothing? Yes, more than just that
Did you provide an education for them? Yes
Did you support their activities? Yes
Did you help them in any way you could? Yes, still try to
Did you intentionally hurt them? No, never
Did you protect them and love them if they were scared? Yes
Were you perfect? NO!
Did you do anything for them you thought was not for their greater good? NO
Did you make mistakes? Yes, still do
Do you love them unconditionally? Yes
Were their laughter and tears? Yes
Were you there in time of their personal crisis yes, still am?

After I looked at my questions and answers I think I am a good mother. I think I was always a good mother. Not a perfect mother but, one that protected, took care of, put their needs in front of my own. I loved and love them. I am okay. I need not bear quilt for past mistakes or fear if I disagree of losing their love. If I lost their love because of that….I never had their love. I am a mom, grandmother, and wife. I am great at all three!

My kids…they are the light of me
Someday I hope…they’ll finally see
Parents are here to love and teach
Instead of thinking…they’re just to preach
When you were small, life was grand
We were happy…just holding hands
Teenage years crept up to fast
I knew then…these were days of the past
Tears, fears, hurt and pain
Sometimes, I thought…we would all go insane
Mistakes were made by parenting you
Someday you’ll make…with your kids too
I loved you then…I love you now
Someday you’ll know why and how

My Tory...

2009-12-10T16:48:00.002-07:00

The Darkest Hour

In your darkest hour
When loneliness and despair overtake you
I’ll be there

In your darkest hour
As the fear and the doubt overwhelm you
I’ll be there

I am The Light shining in your soul
And the hope living in your heart
I am the dream you cling to
When your life seems torn apart

I am the friend walking by your side
And the family who loves you
On this long and bumpy ride

You are not alone
And you are not forsaken
Even in your darkest hour
When you feel your heart is breaking....I'll be there

I am with you in the good times
And when laughter turns to tears
I’ll be there in the days…and weeks…and as the months turn into years

You are not abandoned
Your spirit…strong and true
And even in your darkest hour

God

Hero’s in the Dark

2009-12-06T03:21:00.001-07:00

Hero’s are the people, who brave the dark

Get up each morning and live with heart

I walk fearlessly, alone and unafraid

Until on that morning, when I feel betrayed

Sadness is surrounding me, my spirit starts to die

Now I am feeling all the pain, I look to you and sight

My life is unfamiliar. A hero no more lives

Fear that I'm not worthy, I hope he can forgive

So the silence comes among us, I beg please let me see,

What am I to learn from you, or please just set me free

Just let me fall into the night, a wakeless sleep I seek

Laying in the tall the dark grass, I cry myself to sleep,

Mumbling words to god in pain, I ask why you left me

Falling in a peaceful sleep, no pain upon me face

Softly someone speaks to me, while holding me in grace I hear the words spoke clearly; I have never left your side

You go through times when life is good,

then feel like somethings died

When feeling lost, all alone, and all you do is cry,

Stop and look at me and I will be your guide

Life is never what you plan, your best is all I need

Remember there is something there; it’s bigger than you see

So deep in sleep I feel release, to my pain and suffering

Control obsession I know I have, finally is set free

I sleep right now in God’s lap, his arms around me tight

Protected, and I feel so loved, He kisses me goodnight

Until the time I understand the path in front of me,

I take a break and dream a dream of beauty that I see

When the time is right for me, God will show me how

For now I feel his love for me and love myself somehow

In my tears he takes my hand his message becomes so clear

Hero’s are people, who brave the night,

They are God’s soldiers. who carry the light

Hero’s are the people, that can never stay down

Hero’s are the people, sent by God’s own hand

I am a hero in the light, I am a hero who braves the night

Written By: Christy Tobler

Love For A Son

2009-11-29T21:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight I told my son he needs to find another place to live. I have a range of emotions right now. But,I know I cant keep being his outlet of hate. He doesn't want a relationship or even try to work on one. Therefore I choose to not put myself through the agony that I have endured this year for something I can't change. I take my power from you and stand tall with it hand and still full of love for you. I start the new year with love, peace and creativity for what lies ahead. I have a voice that is loud and clear and I have love for myself and the faith that all is good.

Here are my thoughts in a poem I wrote...My Poem For Josh...

A bridge from the past I leave behind, and put his memories safe in my mind
Caught in the fast lane of your new life, forgetting to map out your future delights
A vanished life that I once knew… is now your own… to do as you do
The end of my teaching… a beginning for you… I only wish… you knew what I knew
Clouds of the future are grey tonight…and full of fear you won’t see the light
Weaving your future from these tangling times, watching you do this, I’m losing my mind
Your lot in life you blame on me, you’re full of hate and anger I see
Closing one door and opening another, you can’t lose me… I am still your mother
Sheer edge of a cliff your dangling there… worried for you…Josh …I still care
Pride is something that can lead you away. But sooner or later… it will make you pay
So take yourself and please leave from me, with love and hope… for all you can be
Josh I’ll always be here for you…. and here… I say I still love you

Thanks-Giving!

2009-11-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

On this Thanksgiving holiday I give thanks to the people I love...my family and friends.

I have been especially blessed this year with kindness,patience, inspiration and love. When I think how many of you will never know that one smile, phone call, email or visit has gotten me through many challenges this year. I had the ability to overcome them because of the love you all have given me and I thank you.

So in the spirit of giving I challenge anyone reading my blog to do any one of the following acts of kindness for the Thanks giving holiday. The address information provided below will be for the area I live in please do one of the following:

1. Give to your local food bank
2. Give Blood
3. Buy a stranger a pizza
4. Send a email to someone that has inspire you and tell them how they did
5. Take a Toy to your local Safe House

Food Bank - 2504 F Street Ogden Utah 801-394-5944
Ogden Regional Hospital - 5475 S 500 E Ogden Utah - 1-877-45-blood
YCC Women's Crisis Center - 2261 Adams Ave Ogden, Utah 801-392-7273

This is time to look and see how blessed we are for living in the USA, having a home, food, loved ones we all are truly blessed and my hope is that this will inspire you to do one act of kindness through this Thanksgiving Holiday.

Love to all of you and I am so grateful for you.

A Warrior's Battle

2009-11-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

I now have come through darkness of night, full of hope and with no fight

Once again, I begin to live, I’m full of trust things will be alright
For now that I can finally see, the light of love is what I’ll be...
Faith that I can somehow grow, something that I lost long ago
Sometimes in the eye of heaven, you see a chance to be forgiven
Life becomes a brand new day, I hold on tight so it will stay
Slipping rope through my hands, deep in fright where I might land
Hard to hold soon I cannot see, holding on the light from thee
Soon the wind begins to roar, I feel a chill right to my core
Creeping in my life’s back door, surprised to find me oh once more
I sit back now in the darkness hole, wondering where I left my soul
A Warriors battle I once fought, thinking oh that I might win
Love, light and laughter too, somehow knowing this was all untrue
A Warrior’s battle now begins a new…

Humor Gone

2009-11-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

My back is still really bothering me and wearing my attitude slowly down. The nighttime is when I escape and let loose with tears as I walk in daytime not sharing and trying to be normal. I was thinking last night yes at 3:00 am and up at 6... I have so many things to be grateful for but I see me slipping and falling to the ungrateful stage.

The continual reminder of my life today sometimes is too much to bare. I am happy on one hand I don't work...I couldn't work, but I get up everyday and do the same thing. My home could not be any more organized right now. Is this my life...I have now become the boss of my house. Tell me there is something that even with my dizziness that has increased with my medication...there is something more for me.
I was once at the top of my game...why can't I be now?

My back is probably bad because I was trying to decrease my medication without anyone knowing...not even the doctor...I cant. Words cant describe the loss of life I feel...I am such an ungrateful shit. I have been really working on loving myself with that little Peggy on my shoulder whispering in my ear.."you get to" but I think I get to what??

My life is all about hope, faith, trust that God has more for me...I am open and have been open...I feel yucky inside and ugly outside. Saying out load as I write...that I have been stuffing all this back in box I have tried so hard to empty. I am sending it out of me and working on creativity and clarity in what is my life.

Just having a bad couple of days...tried prior to have humor...humor today is gone.

Last Few Days...

2009-11-02T17:53:00.001-07:00

Sister's are the best...

I hung out with my sister's and had a blast!
I love being with them we went to lunch and hung out at Barnes and Noble we talked, drank coffee and then bought books. Great day with them I love them all so much.
Giggled lot's...

On Halloween I had my grand babies over night and that was a blast too! We had a sleep over and all slept together in the front room. They are a little over two and are totally entertaining. What one doesn't think of the other does! Grandpa was teasing my little Ady and her sister has gotten very protective. She waned her rabbit what she calls her Ninny and grandpa was saying no, Tyler walked up to hand on hip, finger in his face...Give Ninny to Ady now! My husband and I looked at each other and laughed so hard...needless to say grandpa gave her Ninny to Ady.
And look at these litte beauties...

Love My Life...I am so Blessed!

Still Trying to be Positive

2009-10-27T10:29:00.001-06:00

Hanging in there...By my fingertips.....

Have to Try New Tactics!

2009-10-26T10:46:00.000-06:00

In Pain Today... Hatin It!

Back is acting up!

Trying home remedies...

I'm Funny!
Humor...

What do you Think?

Yes...New Idea Will Work?

Losing My Mind...

2009-10-22T19:08:00.000-06:00

Okay, I am going to share something with you...as I grow older I often feel that I have no brain. I forget names of people that I have known forever...I have something in my hand while I am looking for that thing in my hand...I yell...where the hell are my glasses... Only to find they are on my face ...Ahhh
But I am okay, I have an out for everything... because I...have told my husband...I am not responsible for anything...lol! Because I know myself too well.
Today I went to the grocery store and was chatting to my daughter on the phone the whole time I was there...I was trying to hurry so I could tend for her. So I told here I would call her when I got home.So I drive home...honk the horn for my son to get the bags...Yes...that is right I paid for the groceries...but...FORGOT the groceries!
I had to drive all the way back to the store...the clerk is laughing. my son laughing...I am laughing...I am losing it!

I am Who?

2009-10-21T08:01:00.000-06:00

I am sitting here this morning, just saw my husband and son off for the day. I am getting finally to the point of adjusting not working. I am starting to do some things I like, things I had no idea I liked. I just started drawing and I am pretty good who would of thought?
This is a sample...
I started meditating again and reading inspiring books. Yesterday sat in my room surround by all the things I love and the fireplace cuddled with coffee...I loved my day. Long time getting here...and I am enjoying life and enjoying finding the new me.

Daily I find something literally new about me...I am beginning to finally say I like the real me. I say the real me because, I hid behind work for so long...I have never even knew me. Things happen for a reason...still in pain but, I am managing to the best I can for now...living with it but, not giving up on hope

2009-10-19T11:01:00.000-06:00

The Shack
I have just finished a great book if you do not have a structured religion or even if you do but, your open minded, this is a book for you. I loved the thought provoking book... it made me re-think my path in life again...it let me know I am on the right track for me... It keeps me changing. It is full of hope and love....This is a Great Book!
This is what I am working on...

Promising Myself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my family and friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best of others, to love and help them to the best of my ability.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others just as I am for mine.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful continuing smile to all I meet.
To give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

There is so much more than we know and I am evolving to a person of Love, Strength, Hope and perseverance

Finding my way

2009-10-14T09:56:00.000-06:00

Well I have not written here for quite some time...not sure why...action seems to be in full bloom for me.

But, here I am back where I feel safe, not judged, justified and the ability to say whatever I want to say. I have been through a whirl of emotions and stuck as usual. I hate even listening to myself complain anymore. Last night I started reading my journals that I have written since quitting my job in May of 2008. The pity and complaining was difficult to read. The disappointment I feel for myself was overwhelming.

The pain from my children the last three months again very difficult to read. Is there a lesson in all this pain and frustration I read? Very few days had smiles. Today that is all I want...smiles...daily...minute by minute just give me a smile!

I lost my identity... Today slowly I am finding out who I really am...I am different than who I ever thought I would be...hmmm...thank God I still am very funny...lol...I don't want to lose my humor.

As for the ongoing problems with my kids...they pushed me over the edge last week for a minute...actually all summer they pushed me...in front of my parents! That being said...that is a whole other set of issues I thought were dealt with long ago. There I've said it...Still have some deep seeded crap...Josh I think aroused all this in me...not sure why?

A very wise man told me that children have three levels of rights from a parent.
1. Right of Family Members ship - when your kids are under 18 or not emancipated they fall under this category - this is the whole package... love, shelter, food, clothing, education, ice cream....all of it.

2. Privileges of Family Membership...this membership is for 18 or older or emancipated children...this only consist of Love that is all that is owed...anything else is a privilege...including living in my house, food, etc. Only love is here everything else is a privilege. Love is always given no matter what!

3. The last area is Responsibilities of family membership...This is for kids 18 or older that live in my house. It is an area where there are responsibilities for living in my house. Keep your room clean, mow the lawn, whatever it is...you have responsibilities to be a part of this family, maybe just being loving to people in the house. My Love is always given here as well.

The last few months my kids have controlled me by using my weakness. They have used and manipulated me in my weak areas...not their fault this is all mine. The fear of losing their love, fear they will leave, fear that they be okay with choices they are making, fear mommies needs to fix everything...all these things are frightening. They are my insecurities from my childhood. Things I have never resolved.

But after reading my journal's this same man told me I would see how these family categories would have helped all of my situations if I would or could have held to the criteria of the family membership. So reading last night...yes...I will be dammed he was right. Of course if I don't overcome my own issues and love myself...how can I expect anyone else too.

What I have learned in the last two years...I own my pain and am responsible for it...I have learned that my mind,body,spirit needs to all be in tune...this is the only thing that can help me other than medication. The problem for me is I can touch mind,body,soul but...it is very difficult to stay in this realm for me. I have to get a grip of who I am talking and listening too...your surroundings absolutely influence what is happening in your life.

I have learned what a control freak I am...this is a work in progress but, the fact that I know this about me is huge, that sounds so funny "the fact I know this about me"... I literally am figuring me out slowly but surely. This will make a huge difference on my younger son that is still at home. I already see that difference, you can't live in fear and protect your children by not letting them experience their own life.

I know my skeletons are alive and well...they pop out of the closet every now and again, even thou I thought they were resolved. But while trying to figure out what was happening...lead me to some painful experiences. Therapy with my daughter is one of those, I felt I owed her to that...why? Because I feel I failed her as a mother. After only two times of going she quit...the two sessions we had were back and forth anyway. That is when I realized this is not mine to own anymore. Is she a good wife and mother...hell yes! Is she a go getter, hell yes! Is she responsible...hell yes. I have done my job and done it well...there is no need for me to feel like a failure or guilt of things. The same with Josh...he is alot younger and he is trying to find himself but... he has a strong ground...we gave him that...we gave them all that! My son is in a different category...he will learn life the hard way and continue down this dead end road until he doesn't. But, this is not my life and not my fault...I was a very good mother and provided the same thing for him...Love! These are his choices and he will be responsible for those choices. He will look back some day and see the pain he caused...some that may not be even repairable.

But...the biggest lesson I have learned is I get to work at this every minute of everyday...I am finding myself and my new life...Life is what you chose...what you allow...what you create...who you love. If I master all of that...I am good to go...but if not I am good to go because...as long as I am learning...I am living.

2009-09-13T21:09:00.000-06:00

Well, life is always changing for me just the way it should. Sometimes do you ever feel like running away so you don't have to face any realities that you have created. Lately that is how I feel, I quietly think in my mind run, run, run. But my reality is I cant run, I have no money to do so and another son to raise or screw up...who knows. I will get up again tomorrow and face the day ahead. I have so much to be grateful for but...I keep focusing on one thing...Josh!

It is the strangest thing from going to seeing, talking, kissing him to complete cut off! The hate that radiates from him crushes me everyday...I am torturing myself by trying to fix this...why? I always try to fix things, that is who I am...this is something that I would like to change in me. I miss him! I know he is lost and there is nothing I can do, He has ran to his sister and she will see him through. I am so grateful and jealous that she has him, I don't think Josh even thinks of me... at least not good...He is such a selfish shit!

Big decision's are coming up for him in his life, we always agreed that together we would make the choices for his money. The money that I got for the little ungrateful brat! But, I won't be a part to help him save for his future, Misty will. It is not right! Every time I have tried to talk with him, he has no emotion... as if he never even loved me or that I am his mom. All of this because...I am controlling? The crime does not fit the punishment! He is consuming me and I am slowly breaking down, I feel myself sliding back to a place that is oh so familiar. Doubting every move I make...or even what I am thinking. Could I be that bad of a person... of a mother? Two kids do not like me...I mean the core of who I am... my personality...You don't change that... What the hell do I do with that?

I know I am rambling on about him...I am writing to release some of the crap I have built up inside me. I always ramble here and there when I am upset I hope to dump some of the feeling's I have at least towards Josh...I haven't been sleeping or present in anything I do...unless it is about my son.

So here are my writings:

From the moment that we met and I held you in my arms,
all my love was lost to you the day that you were born
I had never felt this kind of love...fear quickly aroused in me
The thought of ever losing you, could put me to my knees
So I locked this thought and put it away... and lost the key in me

The journey that we would chose in life was full of happiness
The time we spent together we laughed and giggled too,
Our lives became so full of love... all for me and you
Hugs and kisses would be enough to comfort our lives through
Before I knew it was happening our love became entwined
Mother and son until the end, how I wished it could be
All I saw was your love...today it's binding me!

I taught you how to love yourself and always trust in you
I taught you not to follow but, always lead you through
I taught you kindness and compassion then glued our love in two
I never thought I see the sight that hate would break it through

What would now be told to you...and strength that it took me?
I moved ahead and exposed myself, you a hugged and then kissed me
But then you still chose to close your heart and just sit back and sneer
The regret I have I have of telling you... there are no words to say
Compassion is all but...gone from you, I know not who you are
You’re telling me it's really you...But,this I do not see

I see a Judge...that you've become and already sentenced me
My punishment doesn't fit your crime, you forgot that you love me
I never meant to hurt you...please try and see my side
If you stop and close your eyes...maybe you can see
Can you ever imagine son...me intentionally hurting you?

My past it has affected me... in the way that I raised you
Watching you...oh so close...while trying to parent you
I know you need freedom son... and I was stifling you
You want to spread your wings and fly..find the path for you
But,I know you love your dad and I and even brother too,

Josh...this just can’t be okay with you...
Please don't chose this path
I give what you want today...I'll leave you all alone
But, I will always love Josh even when your mean
Please...don't lose your love for us...I hope you are okay
Remember Josh, You’re not alone...you...still have me
I am your mother and my love for you...is unconditionally

Dedicated to "Tory"

2009-09-02T02:21:00.000-06:00

I have learned so much in the last couple of months. I have learned that I have allowed myself to be on an emotional roller coaster ride in life. That I have chose to give up my power and to believe that is what mothers and wife’s do, this is what good people should do? I was wrong to believe that and I am now just figuring it out. It makes me laugh as I am writing this to you. I never saw or heard anything that I had the choice of keeping my power, I was never taught that… I never even believed that I had a choice. My power was taken long ago and I just never reclaimed it. Recently with spirituality alive and well in my life I am able to understand that and reclaim my power! My sister for years tried to talk to me about this… she wanted to drag me here and there but, I chose not to… why? Because, I had to be ready at the right time and place to listen and to understand what I know today. My same sister created a fictional person just to talk to me on this blog simply… because I wouldn’t listen to her or anyone else that wanted to help me. A stranger…"Tory"…My Angel here on earth helped me help myself out of a hole which leads me to the path that I am on in my life today.

I now believe peace awaits me and I am having glimpses of what it looks like and can see it is coming to me. I am learning to allow with the help from people and books that I love, no matter what comes my way. I will allow what comes from my husband, family, kids, and life and by learning to allow, I then can choose how it affects me. I allow me to make the decision of who I am and how I represent myself. I have finally chosen that Christy is defining Christy. I will continue working to release pain, anger and any other negativity that I have chosen for myself. I take full responsibility for the all actions in my life and believe I chose them so that I would figure out exactly what I have at this place and time.

I have learned that I am in a battle with my Ego and it is an ongoing fight. This fight if lost, always as has the same result! It leads nowhere…a dead end…stuck in a life that you chose. The thing that we all have in common is that Ego is just trying to Edge God Out! It is all the stuff that happens to us, in our lives, all the moments where we are given into believing that we have been abandoned! I have experienced this many times in my life. Where I was mislead and have fallen. In those moments, I have felt absolutely alone, abandoned, lost and helpless. In my mind, the illusion had the power to take full control of me and lead me deep into the depths of despair. I have lived there in and out of this place my entire life, but for the last year and half…I went as far down as I could go! My current illusion is a painful one, and I choose in this moment not to allow “Ego” to lead me where “he” lives. I have been quietly listening to my thoughts and as I hear a negative thought...I stop and analyze where I think this emotion this feeling...this thought is coming from…is this thought “true?” I just happen to have an example: tonight an event happened. I found $20.00 dollars stashed in my wallet and I told my husband yah… I just found money hidden in my wallet. His response was: How would that be. I instantly went to the defense… I watched my mind jump here and there not staying in the moment… I watched as a negative thought turn into an emotion called “fear!” A negative feeling and thought I almost reacted on. Why would I think that thought my husband who adores me…why would I be on the defense to him? Then I realized it was fear were this was coming from…it was because I don’t work…I felt I wasn’t doing my part if I wasn’t contributing money to our lives. It was really amazing! I almost reacted and quickly caught myself. As we walked outside I asked him; “what did you mean when you said; “How would that be?” He said I wished I would find stashed money in my wallet why? I giggled to myself and said “I’ll be dammed.” It was not a dig it to me it was what you call paranoia, insecurity coming from me. I then realized…this really works… what the hell I was thinking LOL? I also think that it is interesting that I just happened to get this example so clearly on the day I was going to talk about on my blog. I love synchronicity and the fact I know now when it is happening. I believe with all of my heart in bringing and allowing change to flow into my life, for movement…is life. So today, what I know as my “truth” and will keep learning my truth as change occurs in my life. Today... I walk my talk and live my words, and humbly, with a deep respect for all those whom I live with and those I love I wait and pray for change… change for all of us.

The last couple of months I have been taking a look at me. And then looking at the person I am choosing to be. Instead of being a wandering person through life like a robot. Just going through the motions of life and letting other people run our lives. We work, eat, watch TV, and go to bed...then get up in the morning and do the same thing with the same attitude...which produces the result…it’s hilarious now that I look at it that way. I am so grateful for my kids that in the last couple of months. I have learned more about who I am than any other time in my life! This would not have happened had Josh not moved in with Misty in anger. They have taught me that…I choose who, when, and why I let things in my life! I create my life with my thoughts good or bad. They have helped to see that I control my life and that finally I am choosing peace… I am kindness, forgiving and loving because I choose to and that I am deserving of it. Perception is the most important thing to remember in life…it keeps you connected to God. When perception is lost chaos begins. This quiet peace at my very center and all the while, sometimes feeling that waves are crashing into me, throwing me against the rocks and I almost drown. I now find a way to keep my head above the water. Imperfect as I may be…I am strong…I am the lighted soul, I am now finding my way to the real life that I chose to live. Where do I start? I start with wanting to dance in the rain, to play in the park with my grand children… to just feel the warmth of the sun on my beautiful face. I am invited and have always been invited by divine grace to “come as I am,” and I accept that Invitation. I am enough to make any change I choose to happen. I think it...I have passion for it and the faith to see it happen! I have found that God is in every place, everyone, every moment and every breathe I take in life. I will work on choosing to always come from “love” I am a magnificent work in progress. I know that God never closes a door without opening a window. As I patiently wait, I am certain that I can feel the breeze as it dances around me. And as I turn to feel that breeze and look in the direction where it came…for a brief moment I can feel, see, and touch the Energy/Source/God. It is the winds of Change… I stand ready for whatever those winds bring to me. I know all my experiences in my life have given me strength, courage and my determination will never leave me. They are my companions and I am ever grateful for them to be with me always on my journey.

Optimism is a state of being that I choose, that you can choose. It has no expectation on outcomes or circumstances. We choose to be positive, or we don’t. That choice will affect our thoughts and our actions. It will affect our relationships with our kids; families and people that you just happen to meet that are sent here… just for us… to help us if we let them. Right place at the right time…Our Angels on Earth. It is a choice we can make anytime. Today, I have made my decision to change my struggle in trying to move upstream and stop resisting what is flowing to me. I accept that I can create my life and my “truth”, I am now flowing downstream with love and light for myself and others. My hope is you will not only find your truth but…be able to live that truth everyday and change someone else life. You can choose to help another and become their “Tory” and have the ability to pull them from their “depths of despair.” What we do to another we do to ourselves. Love it…

Love me for me or Don't...

2009-08-27T13:08:00.000-06:00

When I started my blog it was an outlet just for me. To be honest of how I am feeling...Today I use it for the same thing so if you are one of my kids you may want to think twice befor reading because this is my "truth!"

I take my stand today... to gain clairty in my place in my family and life...no more being rude, saying remarks, blaming me for your lives problems, no more threatening you or your kids love. This is the chance I take today. I love you both more than words can say and feel the pain and hope for the best. I am you mother, grandmother for your kids, the only one you will ever have.

You love me for my good and my bad or don't take me at all! My heart is full of love for anyone one of you that are willing to do that… who accepts me for me and if not the rest of you can kiss my ass!

Okay, so I earsed my long blog I had written. After looking at it, I felt I was justifing my actions and theirs. Christy defines Christy...and these words are not it. So this was the just ending of my blog, the rest is gone.

Walked off the path...Walked back on!

2009-08-20T23:53:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's true after having even a moment with God, I strayed from the path. It has been interesting, since I have become "Aware" it is easier to recover and get back on the path. I have been shocked by this, it may have be through a brother,an email, or reading comments on my blog, maybe it was all three that in synchronicity together in their words reminded me of what I am trying to create. Now when I add my beautiful kids in that mix, that I have raised and loved their entire life's, they have turn into people I don't even know. They think it's you, I think it's them, in reality it is both. Love is taken advantage of every day. You forget what it is like to not be loved! Experience needs to be learned by them, even if you want and are willing...sometimes they just have to learn their own way. That is what has been hard, letting Go knowing I am a control freak. But, now I realize there is nothing I can do.

But, what I realized is I might not be exactly sure who I am but, what I know about myself is I am learning. I am loving, tolerant, compassionate, forgiving, seeking and really changing to better human being. I do not take love for granted and toss it away when it doesn't fit the right package size in my life. I never have! I forgive or ask to be forgiven and move forward. I am assuming that comes with age. The path I wavered was because, my kids are growing up and depending on each other and I am so jealous and not needed anymore that it has consumed my life. I have felt unworthy of their love. I have cried mountains of tears. Then,I realized no matter how hard I try, I can't control life, nor the life of another, this includes kids. Some one told me "let go, and let life" is a leap of faith and Faith is what I am loaded with,today I leap.

I may stray again but, being aware really helps, I really miss my kids and grandbabies,I really miss my son! But,I figure this must be some part of my soul's evolution...so I am surrendering to God. Sometimes...that is the only thing you can do is have "Faith". Maybe the fact I have too much time on my hands and not able to work,I think it has those thought have been there for quite sometime But,became totally clear to me when I went to visit my brothers new office. I need purpose..this is something I need to figure out...What am I suppose to do...I just need to find my talent and passion. Hmmm piece of cake? LOL

I think what I have been experiencing the last year and half, especially the last 7 weeks is what people call "The Shift". I watched a movie from Dr. Wayne Dryer called the "Shift" you can only find it at hayhouse or look up the name of both movie and Wayne. It is a very good enlightening movie, which I have connected it to me. I don't need anyone or any of my kids to tell me "I am a Divine Human Being" which means mother too. What you give to another, you give to yourself, I only give love.

I loved in the movie the part where he said: "if you feel out of balance today" no worry,you can paint another painting everyday. I can do what...I want dance, write, go to the park, I can intend for my son to feel love from me! I am learning so much and the one thing that keeps coming up for me is me. Take care of yourself, love yourself,forgive yourself, be who you want to be. So I have not a clue how to do this..so, I am staying in the moment and working on it daily, starting with unconditional love.

I think how you move through life depends on how awake you are but, as you start waking up I can tell you this: When I am aligned with the spirit I flow down stream in the river of life easily. When I am not aligned with spirit I am in a canoe with oars paddling like a manic upstream. So all I have to do is "think" drop my oars and start moving with the flow of life, not against it. Trust in you, have faith to surrender, stay connected, and for me, find my destiny. Some people believe you need nothing special to do, it just is... but, I say there is destiny, we are meant to do something and nothing is too big for me to do. The trick is just finding your talent, and what you love most to do. I don't know these answers either but, at least I know the questions.

So, yes I have learned allot and look forward to the journey ahead. I intend to be happy and grateful for what I have. I am allowing of what ever comes my way, because it is giving me experience good or bad, I am working on believing in me, loving and knowing everything I do comes out of love. It is really the perspective you choose to see it through.

So now... I have decided I am "The Peaceful Warrior" I have earned this name because of the things I have experianed in my life and survied that has made me a more loving and forgiving person. I have finally found my peace and love...in my heart... and it is wide open and allowing for what comes next. Life is worth living at it's fullest!

Change

2009-08-08T16:35:00.000-06:00

I changed who I am...just like that...I have seen things I never imagined I would see. I have felt energy run throughout my body while meditating. I am changing for the better...for who I want to be. I am still not sure who or what that is...but I know what I don't want and that is a good start.

The butterfly is the symbol of change, joy and color. It is the symbol of the soul.
They remind us that life is a dance, not to take things quite so seriously.
They also remind us to get up and move. Dance brings the sweetness of life.
The above statement is how I feel in this moment...I feel the change...I wait for it with open arms and love.

I have been thinking about my blog...how many people really read and look at it. How many people could I help change their perspective in their life today? I am not sure what my blog will look like in the future, I have a dream of what this could be but, we will just have to see. I would love to start a group in my area with the people that are interested in an enlightening experience, no religion, no right or wrong, no judgement...just soul to soul to God...as ONE!

What I do know for sure today in this moment:
God is real
God loves and is always with me
God and I are connected and so are you

I also know for sure that negative thinking will kick you ass...you have to be diligent about watching your mind...pay attention it is important. The mind is very sneaky...it wants you to think negative things are happening when really they aren't. It makes you paranoid that others are talking about you, which makes you talk about others which creates NEGATIVE! It makes you live in a place of "distorted reality"...and you just keep adding and adding to it. It makes you say ugly things about yourself...until you start believing that as your truth... until you don't even find yourself worthy of anything...even Love. You have to love yourself first...your are important, nurture yourself...or you will never love anyone else, you will never live the life you were meant to live...A Happy Life.

People walk in sleeplessness this means: A natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close and consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli.

People are awake this means: To rouse from a state resembling sleep, as from death, inaction; to put into action; to give new life to; to stir up; as, to awake the dead; to awake the dormant faculties.

I am awake and can't believe what I have been missing...thank goodness for my back injury... to have this moment to dwell... and have it envelop me...I am so grateful! I am NOT religious...there is no religion here...we were born with our soul
to guide us...but god also had us forget the rest of what is...connecting to your soul everyday will make you happy and the ability to have whatever you want, and you remember what it is we all have forgotten.

We are energy, our thoughts are energy...thoughts create your LIFE
Your fears draws energy which creates your LIFE
Love is PURE energy which creates your life
If this is true, and we know it is...everything is energy...then with or without you knowing YOU are creating your LIFE. So you should consciously create your own life instead of chance doing it for you.

If you don't like your life...the beauty is YOU can change it Today! By how you think. Do what I did take this challenge monitor your thoughts for three days...you will be shocked at what your mind has you thinking negativity and judgement! Then go to a quiet place in your mind! First go to your favorite place...in your house, outside where ever...just so you won't be bothered. Take the phone off the hook, turn your cell phone off, keep your animals out...JUST YOU BEING QUIET. See how you feel...listen how you feel. If you feel happy...Great...if you feel any negative anxious anything or maybe nothing felt...you might want to think about what I have said.

(1584)

Synchronicity

2009-07-30T22:01:00.000-06:00

Well, I have had synchronicity going on all over the place...crazy! So I am definitely moving forward and it feels good. I know I am on the right path and it is so good to feel passion and excitement again...for the first time in a long time. And to realize this one thing. My life doesn't need to continually struggle, I understand that my body is not me - it does not define me - I define me.

I have been trying to observe my thoughts and judgements - knowing that 50,000 different thoughts you think in one day! Understanding where I have been in the last year my thoughts are not where I want them to be...judgements I'm embarrassed. Have you ever noticed your mind is constantly doing self talk - even when someone is talking to you - your mind is talking to you - it never stops. And the problem with self talk it is mostly negative unless you change that otherwise the negative talk then keeps building and building and soon it will be your truth. Then add chronic pain which compounds the problem. Notice this next time you get the chance as someone is talking with you. Perspective is very powerful, it has pulled me out of deep hole of feeling sorry for myself - to monitoring my thoughts and wanting to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts...Hmmm

You know Monday I had the most intense, loving, awake moment I have ever had...better than I had ever dreamed. I have faith that change is always for the better - it may take you a year to figure it out - but always for the better. LOL
I am starting a new me...I am living life in the moment of today... that gives me the opportunity to re-create who I am...what I want to be...what my life looks like. My life is no longer running me...I am creating my life and experiancing it the way I choose. Do I still have pain...well of course that has not changed...I am changing.

Enlightenment is a great thing...you start to see things all around you that you never saw before...never even thought they were there...when really I just wasn't looking. God is here with no judgement and no special church's...he wants to to have a happy experience with life, so keep your mind and eyes open, read, meditate... stay in touch daily with your soul. Soul, Mind, Body is Harmony where you can do anything...keep your eyes looking at what YOU want to see.

For anyone who wants to change their life...read When Everything Changes Change Everything...the door will open and lead you to the next book to read and before you know it...You will realize change is always for the good...you just need faith.

http://changingchange.net

I am Happy

2009-07-26T17:28:00.000-06:00

Okay . so I'm back...I love the therapy of letting things go that no longer serve my highest being. So I let it all go...I am writing again. I have read a life altering book I believe may have saved my life. You wont recognize this as my normal writing but stay with me...This is me. The book is called "When Everything Changes, Change Everything" this book talked to my soul from the first moment I starting reading. It was like the light went on...and what had I been doing for the last year? What have I been doing the last 48 years of my life.

Life is meant to be happy not sad. When you change you perspective from a higher view it changes everything. I have a disc problem in my back...I accept my pain as part of my evolution with what I am about. I think I would have never quit my job without this event happening. I was always working...This thing happened because I created it... so I could spend time at home with my kids, okay now one kid the other moved, but it's all good...he will still need me. I have the most supportive husband ever. I have twin grand babies and a daughter...I physically was falling apart. Emotionally I was falling apart. I have just barely started being able to quiet my mind. Now I get time to think quietly for the first time, I can read whenever I want, I am happy and grateful for what ever happens I know it is for the good. How about that...And yes there is more...

Change happens when there is disharmony in your life... Your soul knows the plan of why we are here, we have just forgotten. My soul is moving me in the direction of love of me and others. The soul always moves to love. The soul can help you remember what you know...but the point is if you are not in tune with your soul you are just going through the motions of life. I have been doing that for the last 48 year of my life. Perspective is EVERYTHING!

The book asked a question that I can't answer yet. "Who am I' well from the past I can tell you who I don't want to be. Life is not about money unless you are using it for others as well, the rest is just plain EGO. If you want to start Remembering the Body of God try this...Raise your awareness. Waking your mind a little bit at a time. Read, Read. Most importantly the soul holds the largest perspective because... it knows everything... keep in tune with your soul daily.

Okay, enough on my new found hope. I could go on I am excited of possibilities and am I Happy today. Can you believe that I am saying this...Are you listening...This has been the sadness couple of weeks and the best couple of weeeks. How about that? Stay tuned and hopefully you read the book and take the journey with me.

I am Happy.

Please leave comments would love to hear...

2009-07-17T21:41:00.000-06:00

Can you call something compromised or have the right to be upset if someone you never thought would read your blog did? I never wanted them to read my blog, but it is out into the world for anyone to read. Is it right to take that information that this person read and mock me with it? My little place of therapy is a little displaced for me. I have not written for awhile because I don’t know how I feel about my kids reading my blog and then using it against me.

I have found friends and people that care about me from this blog, I have gotten relieve. Someone with chronic pain to say the word “relieve” is sacred and only someone with chronic pain would understand it I would have never gotten that from a therapist. But can I still speak the truth and say what I think if my seventeen year old is reading this? I am not sure…the sad thing is right before all this happened my brother sent me to a woman to do reicky on me, who sent me to another woman who is helping me with tapping. Then my sister mentioned the book “when everything changes change everything” for me and the book practically fell in my hands and after I started reading it the light bulb went on.

Synchronicity happening all around me…. For once in the last year I had the best week and worst week all rolled in one. I thought I may have cancer; my son moved out and trashed me in the process, my grand baby had surgery. My emotions are so out of control that my entire family is arguing. I was told I am negative and always feel sorry for myself. Then I met two wonderful women who gave me hope and I bought this book which I believe will have saved my life. I think they can help me not be negative and sorry for myself and maybe even be able to be happy. I don't want to be labeled anything like those words, I just want to meet my soul and find myself to help me deal with my new life.

So there you have it do you give up the people that have been encouraging me through my blog and emails or do I say screw it and go with the very first words I wrote on my blog….I write this blog for me and no one else to help me in any way I can.

Life Moves On

2009-07-07T16:12:00.000-06:00

I wanted to wait a couple of days until I talked about my weekend. It was a full event, and I have had a wide range of emotions. I will start with my seventeen year old son. After allot of drama on Saturday night including not coming home.... no clue where he was... he showed up with his sister the next day. He proceeded to tell his dad and I he wanted to move with his sister that he would rather be in juvenile jail than be with me. I sat at stared at him tears swelled in my eyes, he of course looked at me determined, unemotionally attachment. He had already came up with a plan with his sister down to the detail. Finally, we agreed, within an hour he was gone... no hugs, no kisses...nothing. The reality was killing me as my child I would no longer get hugs and kisses before bed, He was gone, it wrecked me,! He made his first choice as and adult just like he wanted and I knew it would be difficult for him down the line. He is so far behind in school I thought he would have needed me but, insist he didn't any longer.. But Dec 1,09 He is 18 and would have left then anyway.

I was really hurt and then angry and then hurt again. But I called him today to see if he would meet me for dinner. When I talk to him I am going to imagine my most loving moment with him as a child to guide me through the talk so I will be tender, loving and the mom I know I was when he was little. I want to tell him it's okay and that I am here anytime he needs me. That he is great and I have faith he will do great things. If he wants to go to school I will pay his tuition and if he doesn't that is okay too. I will pay for it in 5 years if he decides to do it. If he wants to come back home anytime he is welcome and that my love is unconditional. I am hoping my angels stay with me through the dinner to give me the strength...I love him so much and want him to be happy. My daughter is amazing with as much as she has on her plate, she made me proud she took care of her brother and took him in.

My next drama was I had an MRI and they found the bone marrow had changed could be due to chronic pain, cancer or other things. They have set me up for several test and tomorrow I have a full body bone scan. I am a little nervous but I know it is from the pain I have continually had. Chronic pain can do weird stuff to you body. Everything will be great. I have meet two new women that I am strongly connected to and is helping me with my pain. It is the first thing in a long time that I am giving my full attention to, they are teaching me allot.

Dedicated to Don

2009-07-03T08:03:00.000-06:00

Love Gets Me Through...

I live my life from day to day, wondering how I’ll feel today
A thought away from losing it all, I need to just stand and be tall
Things are not as they seem, I just need to look hard I’ll find my thing
I am blessed more than I know; I have people that love me so
Stay in the day and live my life right, don’t look for things that give me fright
I’m walking and holding my grand babies too, what more in life would I love to do
My mind is open to a spiritual thing and soon will find my heart with a string
I know I feel lost and alone it’s true but, god will lead me back to you
Don’t lose faith in me today; it takes a while to find my way
But Don I swear the person you knew may be gone, but I still love you
Standing by me you still do, sometimes I wonder why you do
Life has changed as we both knew, but l can make this up to you
My love is stronger for you today, you’re the light that guides my way

Don, I can do this don't lose faith...I can do this!

Bad Read Caution!

2009-07-02T12:38:00.000-06:00

I am warning you this is negative so if you don't want the energy to rub onto you DONT read it.

This blog was made for me...an outlet of truth and honesty. So I am saying what I want without any judgement or veil... I got denied again for disability saying that medical wise yes, I have a ruptured T12 and degeneration of the spine and neck that I should be able to perform the same work I have always done. Oh what did the call that "Light Duty Work". I have never had light duty work that pisses me off!

I also had an experience today that did not go the way I thought it would because I am an emotional mess. Now I can't turn off my crying...am I crazy? Maybe I have made up this pain and it is all in my head. My brother told me that you can control your body by your thoughts, hell his wife said she cured TMJ. Maybe I have created this whole thing and it is a lie! Doctors say I should have no pain, I should be able to still work! I look fine, I am up, I can walk ...actually I can do what ever I want I just pay for it later. Maybe I am up in the night!

Do I stop all this nonsense and go back to work? My family keeps paying for this...I have been crying for about 20 minutes and my kids know it! It is always all about me, never them anymore. I am like such a loser and such a complainer that I can;t express what that is like. Listen to what they hear all day and night long. "I don't feel good", "god, my back hurts", "I have to sit in my chair", "I need a pill", I need a bath", "Oh not now my back hurts", "Oh mom can't do that with her back"... I need, I need...How would you love to be part of that family everyday!
I am so mean you can't believe it takes nothing and I am mean! My kids can't wait to get out of here. My seventeen year old will leave in December as soon as he turns 18, I fight with my daughter, and the 13 year old thinks he needs to take care of me! Hell I want to fight with everyone. I am so ANGRY at myself.

Do I just stop.... slowly go off medication and go back to work? The waiting list on disability is one year to even see judge. God what have I done? What if I get denied...this is the last time. Is this all in my head?

When I look in the mirror I see nothing what my brother sees... I am so far in a pity pot and I can't stand myself for the position I have put us in! Who walks away from a $50,000 plus bonus a year job for something that may just be in my head!!! Was I just going nuts and desperate to get out of work? Do I really even have pain? Your head can do crazy things! Now I am going to some emotional muscle tester lady. Not sure what that is about but, have to do something...Can't sit here and cry and wait for something to find me.

God, what have I done and how do I fix this?

Thank God For Family...

2009-06-30T23:41:00.000-06:00

Guess what? I finally cried.

My brother in law who has suffered from chronic shoulder pain for 20 years came to my house with my sister.

God, finally someone who understood what I felt! Once I started talking the tears poured out of me and there was no stopping them this time. Finally talking with someone face to face that understood how I felt and was in the same boat I was he had just been there longer. I found us finishing each others sentences and I couldn't take my eyes off him other than to try and see my sisters reaction that was mainly hidden behind sunglasses. We talked for hours; my husband and I were able to see perspectives from both my sister side and my brothers side. I knew we all were crying... we all were in sync for a brief moment, I felt it.

Things did get a little heated from time to time but I think that was good too. I could say what I thought without someone trying to fix it, I could be angry without someone trying to fix it. I was able to say allot of things I didn’t dare say out loud without feeling crazy. And I think we may have helped them as well seeing it so raw from us. My husband loves and adores me, he is as afraid as I am I know he worries about everything I do, and sometimes it drives me crazy. He is too protective, but I think that my brother was able to help him understand to still let me live, yes I will pay the next day and maybe I won’t but, I have to still try. I know I have limitations but I will figure those out and I already have figured some out.

I have known my brother in law almost my entire life. But I have never felt as loved from him as I did in those four hours. He helped me to see that it’s okay…I am just starting and not to worry this is normal to feel the things I am feeling including anger. He helped my husband as well… who has stuck by me and supported me through this ordeal and has not known what to do because nothing pleases me half the time. He has inspired me to do that for someone else, he gave me an idea and I am thinking about it. Maybe even could be passionate about it. There will be more information to come right now just thinking. Anyway… thanks for my brother, sister and my husband whom I love dearly.

I am not alone…

Read below for a great article.

Understanding Chronic Pain By: Karen Richards

2009-06-30T22:39:00.000-06:00

An open letter to anyone who has a chronic pain patient in his or her life.

If you are reading this, someone close to you lives with and suffers from chronic pain.

Since pain is invisible, many find it hard to believe that anyone could really hurt that much all the time. Unfortunately, this is one of the main reasons that chronic pain is so often misunderstood and under-treated. Chronic pain may be the result of an injury, disease or condition; but regardless the source, it devastates the life it touches. Even relatively mild pain, when it is unrelenting, reduces a person's ability to concentrate, perform daily tasks, work, socialize, exercise and sleep. The more severe the pain, the more incapacitating it can be. Chronic pain often leads to depression, isolation and loss of self-esteem. Sadly, people with poorly controlled chronic pain are also at increased risk for suicide.

There are three main things someone with chronic pain needs you to understand:

1. What they are feeling and experiencing.

If you're having a difficult time imagining what it must be like to live with constant pain, I'd like to challenge you to try an experiment. Take a wooden clothespin – the kind with the spring that works by pinching one end together and clamping the other end to the clothesline– only instead of attaching it to a clothesline, clamp it to the end of one of your fingers. Now go about your business and see how long you can leave it on. While you still have the clothespin attached to your finger, try to imagine how it would feel if you knew you couldn't take it off when the pain got to be too much.

What would it be like to have that non-stop pain in other parts of your body as well?

Next, imagine that the pain doesn't just continue for a day, or a week, or even a month, but goes on for year after year with little hope that it will end. If you can imagine that, then you have a small inkling of what your loved one lives with each and every day.

2. Their medical care and medication needs.

If you were able to imagine how people in chronic pain feel from the above experiment, can you also imagine how desperate they must sometimes be to find some kind of medication or medical treatment that will give them at least a few hours of pain relief? In a 1999 survey conducted by the American Pain Society, more than 40 percent of chronic pain patients reported being unable to find adequate pain relief.

Their frustration exists on two levels. First, it's difficult to find a doctor who can effectively treat pain because most physicians only receive one hour of training in pain management in medical school. On top of that, federal regulations surrounding the prescribing and use of the opioid pain medications often needed to treat chronic pain are such that many doctors would rather not prescribe any at all than risk being arrested because a couple of their patients abused them.
Secondly, even when patients are finally able to find a doctor who will prescribe the medications they need, their families and friends sometimes accuse them of being addicted and pressure them to quit taking their medication. Given all we hear in the news about drug abuse, it's understandable that loved ones would be concerned. However, there is an important distinction between being addicted to a drug and being physically dependent on a mediation that provides just enough pain relief to enable the person to have some reasonable quality of life. If you are concerned about your loved one's medication use, I would like to encourage you to read Opioids: Addiction vs. Dependence before making any judgements.

3. What you can do.

The main thing your friend or family member needs from you is your understanding, support and encouragement. They know you can't take their pain away. They just want you to listen without judging them and let them know you care. Often people with chronic pain have told me that the emotional pain of having loved ones question the validity of their pain or accuse them of just being lazy or wanting drugs is, in many ways, worse than the physical pain they have to deal with. They already struggle with feelings of guilt because sometimes they can't “be there” for family and friends as much as they'd like to be. Try to reassure them that you care about them for who they are, not just what they can physically do for you.

Ranting Again

2009-06-26T22:51:00.000-06:00

God I just have to vent...

I went to the doctor and of course he would like to change medications again. God, I am so angry that I don't know what to even do with it, all though it has seemed tonight to find it's way to my kids, husband and sister, I don't even like me. I am so mad about having these issues! The way I am reacting to all this!! I feel so weak, angry, self centered I can't stand it!!! My husband said: I need to stop saying bad stuff about me but, honestly it comes so easily just flows from my mouth without even thinking. There is not much I like about me anymore.

Chronic pain is this whole old dark world that I never knew existed. You get up everyday and pretend the sun is shining and the wonderful day your going to have doing absolutely nothing! You work on making yourself more spiritual and better human being while learning to accept not resist, be positive not negative... it's not that hard just focus... all the while your lying to everyone you know about how you feel!! You say the usual: good or fair. When really your in pain 24x7 and totally depressed, hanging on with your fingertips, which yes... you guessed it...they HURT! Oh and the beauty is you can do it again and again day after day.

It takes on its own life and you find yourself looking in the mirror wondering what the hell am I doing here and why did this happened? It is as if I never were..I swear a mean worn out woman has possessed me. I'm so mean and really sincerely feel bad when I yell or snap at someone especially my kids. But, then I do it again right after I just said I was sorry to them, it has become a way of life for me. Here is something back in my face, I remember telling one of my kids who lied to me allot and then would just say sorry and turn around and do it the next day. I told them sorry only means something if you are sincere about saying it and you try and not do it again. They said I do mean it and I am trying. That answer drove me crazy!! I say I am sorry 100 times a day and I mean it and then turn around and do it again.

I have been looking at other websites where people are trying to adjust to chronic pain as well and I find a sense of familiarity. When I read some of things people wrote, sadly they are going through the same thing I am and are struggling too! So I guess that makes me not crazy! I just have no self esteem left, which is so strange I always thought highly of myself, I was a hard worker, thoughtful, smart, great mom and wife. I liked me...I miss that...liking me.

The same thing all of the people I chat with said... there is no magic answer you just keep trying everything and be open to everything at least once. Listen to your gut if what a doctor is telling you doesn't feel good don't do it. Mostly don't give up.

As for the family, well my little guy I haven't figured out yet what to do because he still needs me, not the other way around. I don't cook for him or give him the attention he deserves and needs, I need to figure out a plan for him, I don't want him worrying about me. The rest of my family unfortunately... I am in the position of needing them and I never like being in that position but that is the way it is and I can't change it!! Hopefully... it is what you call unconditional love and that their pockets continue and overflow with it for me.

I feel better tonight after writing this and letting it out...the best thing I have done for myself since this miserable mess is blogged. Best therapy and the cheapest.

What do I do?

2009-06-26T06:44:00.000-06:00

I find my house so quiet it is very early this morning. I went to the doctor and will get another MRI and then a bone density test. The pain have moved up into my shoulder blades and down into my butt, I am hoping it is just strained from cleaning or just doing something basic around the house. Today I am going to the doctor that prescribes my medications. I wish I could just stop taking any pills.

I am mean, I have been very cranky with my family especially my kids. I dislike who I have become. I am WEAK, lazy, incapable, and depressed. I don't cook for Justin who still needs his nutrition he just eats junk food, so add bad mom to that list. I just have no interest in anything. What do I do? I have lost passion in my life.

I am really scared and talking from my heart what do I do? Please don't say live in the moment I need specific ideas and actions. I am not smart enough to do that, I feel as if I am nuts. Can chronic pain do that? Stop right now and close your eyes and think of when you were hurt or depressed then put them together and X that by 24x7 what do you do? How do you stay positive with that? I know I can walk, breathe etc. but this is in the way and I can't get past that..Tory if you are reading this what would you do? Anyone reading this what would you do?

All I want to do is sleep, except if I am not drugged I can't and all I want if off these pills but then I can't function! It is all connected but unbalanced what do I do? I am scared and again feeling sorry for myself, hell I never stopped. Pathetic I never have seen this side of me and I really dislike it!

What do I do?

Rantings of a mad women...

2009-06-24T21:36:00.000-06:00

I had a better day today I went to the canyon and sat by the river. I found myself to be quiet and comfortable. I have been in a sleep zone lately and depressed. This is an on going experience for me and I just need to keep doing the best I can but, nature playtime was great. I came home with an adjusted attitude and called the doctor to make an appointment for the new happenings in my back. Friday I go to the doctor that manages all my medication and will talk to him about the side effects.

I need a plan I can't keep going in this direction, it is a dead end. There has got to be an answer or a more painless way to live. I have become ranting of a mad women depending on the day. I sometimes think I am going crazy!

What is the deal?

2009-06-23T19:35:00.000-06:00

A weeping willow I've become, crying, sleeping all the time
Light passes through me from the sun, but still living in the dark
I sit and wait wondering when this will end, my fight is nearly done
I watch the tree’s around me, swaying back and forth
Moving through the time of day stretching to the sky
And yet I feel as I've become, the roots inside the ground
Dark and moving further down, sinking till I break
And I can say I don’t give a shit, I’ve finally broken down
Do the thing you want to do, I’m tired and will not fight
Break my roots like you have done stronger than me you've become
Let me start a brand new tree or leave me in the ground
Dying and feeling its okay, another root will take my place
I’ve nothing left to give…. my life is surely done

Been awhile...

2009-06-19T21:11:00.000-06:00

Well... it has been awhile since I have been able to write anything, I have had some company and am just finding some alone time to think. I am trying to stay focused on the present but seems to be a pretty intensive task. When you focus on the present that includes my physical pain. I have felt some changes in my pain the last few weeks and am afraid things may be shifting. I have heavy pain that goes from the middle of my back to the bottom of my behind. I am really scared of that happening. I guess I will call the doctor this next week something is off. I also have been very clumsy and foggy a couple of times in the last few weeks, I feel I am off more than normal.

Before I had all this pain...and my life changed so drastically, I took total advantage of time, I was always revisiting the past full of fear and anger. Then living in the future which scares the hell out of me because of what will be next. Then to trying to just stay in the moment, but that is hard too because it is difficult not to focus on pain. So now I look to find things I am grateful for everyday and there is always something I can find there. I read that cloudiness or lost in your life means you need quiet time. You need to trust everything that is brought into your life because they are from god a greater source. They are for our growth, learning, and to led us down the divine path. In other words trust the flow of your life. Hmm what do you think of that? Live each moment as intended?

If it is true that we only use 1/10 of our conscious mind and if we are in the time of our life that we have no clarity, alertness, can't see, can't hear. Maybe it is true to stop the madness in your mind and be quiet and listen to the soft whisper deep inside you. Then you will have clairty on who and what you are. The problem for me is the drugs, pain and the constant reminder of the state I am in...deeply depressed and tired, it is hard to listen but I work on stepping forward everyday. I am reading a little of everything and continue the search, I am working on looking for things that are working in my life today and being grateful for that.

I also read something that spirituality means knowing no matter what.... everything will be okay.
The body is just a vessel, don't resist what is...Crisis means a crossroad and a threshold to something bigger. Growth is to let go and not complain why me? Virtue is Courage, Fearless, Fighter, Integrity. Ego is Hate, Resentment, Scared, no risk, resist.

Which do I want to be labeled in my heart? Virtue...Hmm not an easy task but desire is part of virtue and as long as I still have that I am okay. God help me if I lose it. I need to live the life I should live even if I think or "ego" thinks it should be more. Money, jobs, material things don't make you truly happy it is how you live the life you have been given. I obviously still need to learn this from all the obstacles I have overcome already in my life. Sometimes when I think I have not learned that, it makes me "laugh" and think Duh? I have had many chances to learn this lesson and still have not.

I am thankful for people who love me and for this blog that allows me to be free. Keep me humble to always learn and let go to love.

Grand Children

2009-06-12T21:35:00.000-06:00

The prancing of small feet always makes me smile. Quickly they run arms open to hug their grandma and always make my day. Arms wrapped around my neck as if I were meant to play this role my whole life, a perfect fit.

Today I tended my grand babies for a couple of hours, it had finally quit raining and we played outside chasing each other and enjoying the sun. They love playing with balls and that is all we did catched and chased balls. We took them to dinner at Burger King and that was a gas, they wore hats and pranced around proudly while I giggled and laughed at their every move. To watch their faces was total enjoyment to me. They brighten my day by just looking at them. We hugged and kissed and teased each other.

What a great afternoon, god I love them so much and am so blessed I have them!! As I was leaving them with their dad Tyler ran crying to get me at the end of the driveway....I smile... and know I am loved unconditional! There are often times they are the reason I move forward and try to be a better person. I love you girls!

A "Perfect Day"

2009-06-04T22:05:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I guess my last ranting was pretty um "angry" I really felt like I was at the end of my rope very hopeless and tired. The days that followed were not much better, I fought with kids, I did a couple of dumb things like trying to stuff I used to could do and now admitting I have something else I can't do. But things happen for a reason and I know....it's all about the learning experience right?

I slept allot yesterday, I took a two hour nap and still went to bed at eight that night, I might add I slept rather well that is the first unusual thing that happened. I normally DON'T sleep good, laying down is the worst time for pain. The last few days have been hell, really feeling sorry for myself and wondering what is the point. I called and cancelled all therapy appointments and just said screw it! My attitude the last week was offensive even to me.

But, I woke up this morning and thought hmm my back is not too bad, how weird. I got out of bed, showered, even put on makeup. Still feeling good decided to venture out, I laughed and laughed throughout the day quite a bit, in fact allot. Stranger than that, I felt more like my old self today than I have in a year. The pain was tolerable and I almost felt comfortable in my own skin, other than I admit, I kept waiting for the ball to drop but, it never did.

I am so grateful for today... I needed it so bad! I was feeling very lonely, it is hard to explain because how can you feel alone when you are living with people believe me, you can. Then bam.. out of the blue, kicked and down for the count...a gift given? As I write this tonight, my pain has been increasing, am I crazy? Or was I just given a gift a break? I loved today, I loved everything today, I loved hearing myself laugh today, writing it now makes me smile now, I forgot how funny I am! God, I bet my family misses that, I miss that.

A realization happened to me the other day, I was doing something dumb, painting a long narrow cupboard oh excuse me, attempting to do this when my parents came home. They are staying with me, they walked in the door and I started to cry I mean cry when I settled down, I heard my mother starting to lecture me about what I can and can't do anymore. I was very mean and pissed off and tired of people telling me that, even though deep inside I knew this to be true. I have limitations on my physical activities. Anyway, I looked up and she was crying, at that moment my heart went to comfort her. I asked, why are you crying and she said, I am so worried about you and that you are not accepting any limitations. At that second... I thought I am the biggest brat! I have been so wrapped in me, I forgot about the people that love me. So I know even if I don't want to accept limitations I need to be aware of my audience and not worry the people that I love.

I haven't said anything but, I have taken NO pain pills today! Until just now and it is 10:30 at night. For whatever reason, I was given this tolerable break and I am so thankful!! I would have only asked for 15 minutes not ever wanting to be greedy about something like this... but for a day....words can't describe my gratitude today.

Maybe I am trying to hard to make sense of something that doesn't need to make sense. It just is and I am not seeing for whatever reason, what the purpose is... maybe, I'm not ready yet. Maybe, I am suppose to listen to the quietness that alarms me inside whenever I try too, the weeping that should have done but was lost and needed to be found, the me I didn't take care of, the right things I didn't make a priority. Maybe it's me that needs to find balance, I have been so lost and running from things in my life that I became obsessed by working and trying to build a career for the last thirty years that I forgot real pieces of my life. And now I am so preoccupied with pain I have forgotten real pieces of my life. Writing this now... in this moment... I may have just had an epiphany, maybe that is the lesson "balance".

For whatever reason, it doesn't matter tonight. I am just grateful for the day, I have a husband who loves and inspires me with words of deep thought and profound love, children that love me even at my worst unconditionally, grand babies that I held in my arms and swung into the air today with little pain, we chased each other laughing and kissing just like we should... all three of us smiling as if they knew it was a gift too, for sisters that love and do things to always remind me I am not alone, a brother that loves and sent me a special message of faith today, for parents that love me.

As I read this... today life is just the way it should be... A "perfect day".

By the way... I always read my last ranting after I finish my new one to see if I an going the right way or if I am learning anything from blogging. If you want to get chills read the bottom paragraph from a couple of days ago.

Losing My Faith....and the battle

2009-06-01T08:16:00.001-06:00

Well, my week was a full event did way to much and am paying dearly for it. Yesterday and now again today I am in severe pain. I will again for the second day do nothing...I am humble, tried, scared, lost, alone and pissed off all at the same time. I just want to be normal, I want to wash the dog, have water fights, plant flowers, work on projects, I want to be normal. I want to dance in the wind and not be afraid. I want to be happy with my life. I want to not feel like a jerk for what I don't have. My life is full of tears... even with a lifetime of grate fullness for the family and the body that I do have, I am pathetic. I am so angry!

How can you possible understand what that means? You can't....To you its just complaining and oh, I'm sorry. To me, it fucking sucks... and yes, I am angry. Sometimes, I am so angry that I want to scream, instead on those days my family gets the butt end of it! I become someone I don't know, I am mean and ugly to them and can't help myself and later for the hundredth time say... I'm sorry... the very thing I hate to hear right now!

I read, I try everything and for what? Nothing is going to change this! Accept this.... would you? You can't answer that because you don't have chronic pain! Reading is a temporary mind adjustment it keeps my mind busy so I don't think about it or I get the hope that some higher power will take pity on me. What a joke! They all say, until you accept it you won't be able to move on until you do, but when it is in your face 24 X 7 and then some days worse...accept it...hell no! I refuse to accept this as my life. I wont do it. Do I have a plan...no, sadly my plans have all run dry.

I don't have the answer but I'm pissed off enough to know one thing this SUCKS and I wont accept this as my life...God, please help me with a plan...I want to dance and I am at the end of my rope and need you.

Faith to do what is needed

2009-05-28T09:19:00.001-06:00

Well, my mission is in place, I am reading and moving forward mentally and have done pretty well. I am finding things daily to be grateful for and know that I am very lucky. I am seeking to find balance in my life and remain poised and centered. I have been in pain quite a bit lately but have not complained. After watching the Farah Facet story I told myself I could deal with my piece of life's balance quietly... and slowly work to be strong mentally and physically.

Do you ever wonder what you are searching for and think maybe you will never find it, or that this is really it? I am not talking about family I am so blessed there, it's hard to understand what I mean and be able to put in words for you to understand, maybe its value in myself ...I guess. Life's lessons are about what you do in crisis mode and how you deal with it. The book I am reading says's there is a ying and yang for everything. So if I didn't feel pain, I would never know what pleasure is and the purpose is to learn that lesson and that this what you call quantum balance in life.

I am really trying to read everything I can, I am trying to meditate, quietly listen to myself, find happiness where I can and enjoy the precious moments that come my way. I even had my sister take a day off work to show me how she is meditating because, I am struggling even doing that! I thought I must be doing something wrong. I could not see white light. I asked her if I could be evil or not worthy because I couldn't see it. You know... I've though about that Karma thing many times before. She said no, that it would come to me it just took practice.

I am in a feel sorry for me day again and sometimes think I try and move one step to the right direction and know its right because of synchronicity is happening all around me but, then I take three steps back. Pain is really bad today and I have given myself permission to complain on this blog about that. Life with pain sometimes seems unbearable and always a feeling of your soul being lost, especially under the influence of drugs . Good thing I have therapy today.

You know the thing is for me... I want to be a part of something great or at least feel a part of something great in life...is that so bad? I'm already a part of a great family...am I ungrateful because I want that? I want to contribute in some way other than getting up everyday straightening the house, going to the doctor, running errands etc....there has to be something I can do and still work around my pain! Life is so much more than this I feel it in my heart and soul. It can not just be filled with pain and basics of life with a lesson to be learned of ying and yang.

" We tend to forget happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather recognizing and appreciating what we do have" I feel like an idiot as I write that statement! But then... I think I just want to dance, dance in life and be thankful for all the treasures I have...but there is something deep in my soul that says more!! I want to be needed and know there is a bigger destiny for me out there somewhere. I am just so lost, lost, lost and tired.

I am surround with magnificent light and have the will to do what is needed. Amen

Master of my destiny, Honestly Scary...

2009-05-23T20:56:00.000-06:00

My journey has begun...I am the master of my destiny, that is a very big statement I made the other day in a whirl wind of optimism. Which I admit scares the hell out of me today, but I am moving forward so that is good. I have been doing some real thinking about what that means with the help of a new friend that I wish I could talk with. But that is another story.

Anyway, what I think it means is that I need to become the seeker. The seeker of myself first. Who am I? What am I doing? What am I made of? When I try to think of my good qualities it is difficult. Let me list them: I am loyal, I am a hard worker, I work on honesty and believe in the truth, I am a seeker, I don't quit, I am open minded, I believe in standing up for what you believe, I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, the problem with listing mother, wife etc it would be a lie because I am not doing those things well right now. It is just a fact of life that I am those things. But....not good.

I read somewhere that every time you go into the past or future you lose light, negative emotions will scatter your light energy and make you no longer with your present. If that is true, I'm in trouble. Living right now, this moment I am struggling to see the good things in me....this is a problem. I can list a ton of things I don't like about myself and rarely have good thoughts about myself because of my situation.

So now the secret is to turn my thoughts around. How do you do that...pain makes you negative, you change your life completely and feel lost...negative. You don't like who and where you are, negative. Grateful for what I have....OMG this is going to be hard. That even makes me feel like a loser...I have to think to think about my blessings.

If my friend reads this please guide me to the right direction to help me with this concern. When you have more negative thoughts about what your are doing than good then what???

I will keep in mind I will have high and low moments and just need to remember that it is the divine balance of things for that to happen.

I am surrounded by magnificent love and light every moment of my life.

Gratitude

2009-05-21T08:21:00.001-06:00

I have recently been given some good information that I think will work for me, at least it is something for me to work towards, I recently read: everything that happens to you is directed towards waking you to a gift, so I've decided my gift has just not been reveled to me as of yet.
I will be the master of my "Destiny" and not a victim of my history, so I move forward with my eyes looking up searching for my open door. Wisdom is acknowledgment that ups and downs in one's life will appear equally. So I will start always looking up and staying grounded to the moment, even when that moment is difficult. (this will be the trick)

I am living in duality right now. I am... I guess bi-polar in my life. I have parts of my life that lifts me up and parts that take me down. I praise myself for getting through the day with pain and my depression and then criticize myself for not taking good care of my family or contributing to the standards "I" have set for myself. No-one is victimizing me! I just reflect what I am giving off. My family is very important to me and they are really getting the blunt end of my life! Last night was an event that makes me realize I need to lead my family. I am not the only person lost, they are following me.

I am going to start a self program for me. I will first start with Gratitude. True Gratitude is a quiet state of place and inner calmness where you are truly thankful, not just happy in certain moments of your life. I think Gratitude is the "key" to everything, I believe the only thing I will take with me when I die is my love and my wisdom. I need to remember this daily and will devise a symbol that I will carry with me to remind me of that everyday.

I am thankful for my husband who has been so supportive and loving and a rare human being. He is the love of my life and I am a better person because I know him and will love him to the end of time. My kids are amazing people, my son is struggling to find his way right now, he is seventeen, I have the faith that he will, he is a loving and kind hearted and I know adores me as much as I do him. He will make the right choices for himself and not me. I will support and always be there for him. My youngest son is the light for me often times however, he has no idea, I have spoke of him before and would love to always see things through his eyes. He brings me joy daily and worries about me way to much. I am so thankful for him, he kisses and hugs me many times a day and will never know how many of those I really needed to get to the next day. He inspires me and makes me LAUGH! My daughter, I am thankful for many reasons, she has a strong spirit and I try and follow that, she handles many things at a time and still is a great mom. I love and care for her very deeply. My grand babies the Loves of my life. I am so lucky to even have them here and would have sold my soul for them. The lift my heart to places no-one could.

My extending family I am grateful for as well, My parents are loving and supportive, my mom has dried many tears and put hers aside for me. My brothers and sisters are the side by side soldiers in my life's. Always by my side fighting the ups and downs in all our life's daily. The love I have for them is unspeakable and the survival of all we have lived is the bond that will keep us together for life.

Thank you god, for all my many blessings these are just a few of what I have to be grateful for today. I am truly grateful for my blog, the place for me to be truly honest and release whatever I am feeling to the universe and the grate fullness of people's kindness.

"I think there are two types of prayers, one of false, the one I have been doing. One is true...that I rarely do and am ashamed to admit it, but have realized it." I have been doing one type of prayer, it is the false prayer. I have been praying for "My life is a mess and my body, please fix it" in a nutshell. A true prayer... the one I will be using is: I am blessed for all you have given me and recognize the order of what is and am thankful for what you continue to give me.

God bless me to better a better person,
Amen

2009-05-14T21:48:00.000-06:00

Well I went to therapy, I told him everything...to a complete stranger and a man at that! Not that I don't like men but, I distrust most. I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. He didn't really ask any questions except what my immediate family was like, I just could not shut up! When I left, I felt better... like a weight had been lifted. The next morning I got up with the attitude of "I will live my life today and pay for it tomorrow" what the hell, you have pain either way.

I got up and tore my house apart with every intention that I am strong and I can what I want. One hour into it I had a complete melt down...It has finally sunk in I CANT do certain things. I called my daughter and her husband crying and they came over and spent hours cleaning up my mess. I worry everyone I love, my sister called during this and I told her I was fine, next thing I knew she was at my house because she was worried and I can't control my emotions.

The next day I was hurting, but it was my daughter birthday and I was taking her to Salt Lake to have her cards read...During this the lady handed me a book called "Theta Healing" she told me to read this book and one more and come back and see her when I was done. Weird ... I don't have a clue what that is....hmmm

I came home tonight tired and in a weird mood, I looked up my blog and found a comment on my last ranting...I love what they put...I cried, I needed that, I will pin that on my fridge! I tried to find this person but no one is there...would love to chat, please leave your real blog address sound like you have been in my shoes could use some new eyes. Thank you for the poem!

2009-05-12T08:25:00.000-06:00

It is so funny, I seem to be obsessed with seeing what else is out there for me. I am looking at retreats and card reading, all kinds of books desperately trying to find my place. I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, grandmother however, I just feel their is something else I can do even if I have this pain. It feels like I'm blocked and don't know where to turn.

I really am making an effort. Yesterday I was told, until I accept with mind and body that this is it I wont be able to move forward with my gifts. I kinda laughed because, the gift I had was mentoring people, its kind a funny when you think about that and read my blog. That gift is gone I can't motivate even me. Good to still have humor right?

Someone has to be going through this same stuff and have something to say where are you?
I read this quote: Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams, and reality if you can dream, it you can make it do! The problem with all this is what is next, what do I do? I am smart hard working and go after what I want, what ever the hell that is.

No worries seeing a therapist today...hmm

Great Night

2009-05-09T23:09:00.000-06:00

Usually I'm complaining however, tonight I wanted to share how blessed I am with my family and life and am grateful! My daughter threw me a surprise birthday party and ALL my family was there. I had so much fun! I got lots of loves it was great. I need to realize how lucky I am in life to have all of them here and still with me. I got all great gifts. I got a couple of really special sentimental gifts one was a picture that I had wanted and my husband got me it, the next was a book of my grand babies with all the fun memories we have had so far. The other was unexpected gift from my little sister who watches over me like I was her little sister. She wrote a poem of how she feels about me and I her it was beautiful and I will keep it forever! I love my husband who worries and cares for me it had been a long night and a 2:00 run to the hospital and he had not much sleep but you would have never known it at the party.

A great day and memory! Happy Birthday to Me...

Inspiration to me by Michael J Fox

2009-05-06T08:59:00.000-06:00

Alright, this will be a contradiction on what I wrote yesterday. I just watched an interview with Michael J Fox and Lance Armstrong they both have overcome at least for today, life threatening diseases. The one that really kills me is Micheal J Fox his disease will never go away yet he lives his life with dignity and enthusiasm. He controls his life, he can't wish this away by thinking "I am Cured" he lives with his pain everyday! But man, he controls his life and inspires people to do the same. I was half embarrassed watching the interview because he was so inspiring and his disease could kill him unless we find a cure. My problem is not life threatening at all, just pain driven.

I used to inspire people in my job, that is my gift, I did it for 35 years, God, I want do that again! It is the best feeling in the world. I inspired people to be all they can be in their jobs, now I can't even inspire myself to leave the house. However, I felt so good after watching him, that I have hope for me. Please god lead me to the forum that I may inspire people again, lead me to overcome this feeling of being sorry for myself and except what has been given to me and live life to the fullest, in spite of it.

Amen

2009-05-05T15:52:00.000-06:00

I am curious why people say: What you think today you will receive in the future. Do they believe people want to be in pain, rape, murder? That statement is killing me, you can't wish away pain you can try and be positive and be grateful for the blessings in your life now. If I could have wished my pain away by thinking "I am well" then I should be well. The only thing I can do is choose the way to handle it all, some days are okay and some aren't.

I have read every book out there regarding this. So for victims and people in pain bullshit your not crazy your pain is real. I get so frustrated that people, even family do not understand the big picture, this will not go away. I know they love me and are just worried, especially lately. I have been very depressed and just want to sit home in a dark room and have really been thinking how can I get out of this?

So, yesterday I got this idea what if I did something different, I woke up and thought I am going to do what I normally do before all this happened. I cleaned the basement out! My house has been neglected for some time...anyway I re-did my son's room, did laundry, vacuumed, dusted it all looked great...clean just like it used to be. Now the bad part, in order for me to accomplish those things this is what I had to do: I took more medication than I am suppose to get through it, I drank alcohol because it wasn't working quick enough, that's right... you shouldn't even be drinking with all the medication I am on. By 5:00 I was hammered. I woke today can hardly walk.

So... the big question still remains how to be happy and live your life? I guess I look again at surgery and hope nothing goes bad with hitting the spine. Oh hell, I don't know!!

Another doctor

2009-05-01T10:11:00.000-06:00

My husband is insisting I go to another doctor he has found. I'm so tried of going and hearing the same thing, I know that they can do surgery through the front of your body. They would remove a rib, deflate your lung, move your liver, fix the T12 disc and put everything back. But they can't tell you that will get rid of your pain, they hope for the best. I am really negative today and I know it. I am suppose to be trying to be positive but it is so hard. God, I just want my life back. I miss me. Life with pain is unexplainable to someone unless they live it too. I'm still not sleeping well even with all the dam medicine I am on...I'm crying now and even that is old, how many tears can one person shed. When will I stop feeling sorry for myself and just make the damn adjustment that this is my life?
I need to go away and come up with a plan of what I am going to do, how do I accept and deal with the pain, and stop feeling sorry for myself. God please lead me to what and where to go....I am listening.

Kids say the darnest things...

2009-04-29T08:49:00.000-06:00

I was talking with my husband about what am I going to do with my life? It is spring time and I can't pull weeds, plant my flowers, something I enjoyed doing. My 13 year old son pops up and said "Mom, are you kidding, your life is great. You can do what you want when you want without the yucky stuff." I said what do you mean? His response was: no weed pulling, no vacuuming, no cleaning the tub, no mopping floors and he went on and on. Then he stopped and looked at me with an expression of a light being turned on in his mind and said " you could sit and play video games all day, you have the life." I laughed and told him I loved him. Perception is everything, I am going to try and look at life through his eyes. I love him so much and he always surprises me.

2009-04-23T15:40:00.000-06:00

Things I Love

I love that I still really like my husband
I love family
I love being a Grandmother
I love walks in the warm rain barefooted
I love reading and drinking coffee on my swing
I love days with my sisters
I love hard workers
I love to laugh
I love to learn new things
I love that I can have a pajama day anytime I want
I love a good movie
I love to listen to older people tell me their stories of life
I love the sun on my face
I love Farr's ice cream
I love my Bear (dog)
I love the sound of the ocean
I love Christmas

Getting through the day...

2009-04-16T09:51:00.000-06:00

I am on a journey to find happiness. Even when you are in a scary place in your life, you need happiness sometimes right? I need to believe there is something I need to learn and have not learned it yet from this experiance. I need faith that my ability to motivate people, in some other form besides the work I have done for 35 years, that opportunity will come to me in some new way to still do what I love. I need to have faith that there is a higher power that knows what is best for me and that things will turn out just the way it should be. I hope this is not karma for something I have done in the past, if so I need to be humble about my shortcomings.

If it's true what I read "We are mirrors and reflect what we see" then I need to reflect positive and not negative. I need to believe in hope, I need to learn that my situtaion isn't about being strong or pretending everything is okay to my family. It is about finding joy where and when I can. Not an easy task but, I need to try or I am going to sink further ino this dark hole.

If you are someone that is in a bad place, remember there is strength in numbers, find an outlet to release where there is no judgment and honesty can pour from your heart. Even if no one reponds, allot like my blog...it just feels good to just say what you truly feel and release it to the universe. I can do this and so can you.

Mission

2009-04-11T13:12:00.000-06:00

Hello again,
So it has been a few days after writing my first blog. I have decided I will not being sharing my blog with anyone I know or love, it's just for me. I am going to use my blog as a outlet for me to talk honestly about whatever I am feeling, if I'm scared, having a good or a bad day, my passion for "wanting" to live in the present good or bad.

I have been thinking carefully about what I want from this idea of mine and have decided I have a mission, a mission to see other peoples hopes and dreams, in hope of finding mine, other peoples fears in hope that I'm not alone, what makes people happy in hope of finding my happiness, other peoples pain in hope of living with mine.

I have been looking at other peoples blogs and am amazed of what people have to say and offer to strangers. I must admit I am, somewhat inspired. I have not been inspired for quite some time. I have found an interest in something finally, that is productive for what I need to adapt to my new lifestyle.

So, here I go on a mission to stop and listen to strangers and write for myself.

2009-04-09T17:31:00.001-06:00

Interesting, I have never blogged nor ever thought that I would but, there is a first for everything. I am hoping to get from this blog some insight of my new life. I am 48 years old and started working at fifteen, I have always worked hard. I now have a ruptured T-12 disc and eight bulging disc.

My T-12 has finally helped me make the decision that I cannot work anymore. I am in pain 24-7 and am on allot of medication. Surgery is not an option for me, because of the risk of going through the front where they would take out the organs that are in the way, repair the disc and put the organs back where they belong. So unless I lose my bladder, I choose not to do that surgery.

I was once a go-getter and love a challenge, especially when someone or I wasn't sure I could do it... I always made it happen! I have lost that spirit I had and I miss it everyday and want it back. I think about what could be, for Pete's sake I can walk, I have my family, I am crying about this! I am weak, this is something new for me to experience...I AM STRONG!

Shoot forward... New life...24-7 pain, depression, no job, fear of the future! What is going to happen? Is this my LIFE?

I have three kids, and just became a first time grandmother of twins, which I can't tend or pick them up. I am not the mother I once was. I have a thirteen and seventeen year old still at home. I need to do a better job for my kids but have a hard time doing that and have lost the desire to do anything. I feel like a failure in many ways. My life has taken a new direction and I don't even know who I am, I quit in May of 08 and have now applied for disability....which I can't believe I'm asking for financial help.

I have had almost a year of not working and still feel as if I'm walking in a fog filled room aimlessly. I need hope and a direction to go in. I have read all the positive bullshit...I have read a ton of books on how to "think' my way out of this mess or meditate, find myself crap. I have tried tons of things for pain. Nothing is working and I am so pissy about everything.

I am past the feel sorry for me stage or the ego part of not contributing the way I "think" I should (okay maybe not)and the fact that I look completely haggard to what I did a year ago! I am angry of not being present in my "today" life. This is not me but, I can't figure anything to do about it mentally or physically because of this %&* back pain.

I have allot to be grateful for I know...Is it bad to want it all....How do people live with pain and depression and a sense of lost being? The realization that work you trained for your whole life is gone. What will I do now for me? I can't be good to my family until I get my act together. What and how am I now going to contribute, this is the million dollar question for me. This can not be it ...I want more.