Pain writes me a letter...

            MY NAME IS BACK PAIN

Dearest Christy,

Hi....My Name is chronic pain, and I'm an Invisible Chronic Illness. I am now velcroed to you for life. Others around you can't see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me every day. I can attack you anywhere and anyhow I please. I can cause severe pain or, if I'm in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun? Remember when you worked and excelled at everything you did? I took Energy and work from you, and gave you Exhaustion and Failure instead. Times you could laugh and enjoy or do things with your family or feel accomplishment? Try to have fun or feel that now! I also took Good Sleep from you and, in its place, gave you Brain Fog. I gave you the ability and will to lash out at the people you love for no reason, your kids especially won't understand they will just wonder where did their mom go!

I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. Oh, yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed too. People around you will have no idea, because you look fine on the outside.

If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away, too. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons:

Maybe it was a virus you had that you never recovered from, or a car accident, it could be something you are not even aware you did. It could be aggravated by stress throughout your life. Who knows, who cares? And well, it doesn't matter why anyway, I'm here to stay! I hear you're going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I'm rolling on the floor, laughing! Just try!

You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. You will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, back pill, energy pills and others. You will be told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, be given a TENs unit, massage, injections or surgery. You will be told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away, this makes me… laugh out loud. You will be told to think positively, poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken as seriously as you feel you should…when you cry to the doctor or family about how debilitating life is every day.

Your family, and friends you may have left, they will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I don’t care if you’re sick of me! Especially because, I can fool them, you do not look sick, you just look weak or tired and maybe depressed. This is the beauty of me inside, you… don't look the part. Then, when I am in a good mood and I chose to really hit you hard, they still can't see me and you my friend, will just look stoned and like you are feeling sorry for yourself. Some of Your family, won't understand and they will say things like "Oh, you are just having a bad day" or "Well, remember, you can't do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago", not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago. “Things can always be worse”…as if you don’t already know that…but today… I make you not care!


Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a "Normal" person, and can't remember what you were going to say next! You are doing things that are so embarrassing that you try and laugh with them but, inside you are filled with fear because of the things you are doing. Some of them say “she is crazy the way she is acting, she needs to stop taking so many drugs”! You will begin to have no self esteem and think you have nothing to offer, and believe maybe you are crazy. You will not recognize who you are and who you will be...you will just be.

In closing, (I was hoping that I kept this part a secret), but, I guess you already found out...the ONLY place you will get real understanding in dealing with me...is me!


See you soon,
Pain

Being a mom is painful today...

My Tory...

The Darkest Hour


In your darkest hour
When loneliness and despair overtake you
I’ll be there

In your darkest hour
As the fear and the doubt overwhelm you
I’ll be there

I am The Light shining in your soul
And the hope living in your heart
I am the dream you cling to
When your life seems torn apart

I am the friend walking by your side
And the family who loves you
On this long and bumpy ride

You are not alone
And you are not forsaken
Even in your darkest hour
When you feel your heart is breaking....I'll be there

I am with you in the good times
And when laughter turns to tears
I’ll be there in the days…and weeks…and as the months turn into years

You are not abandoned
Your spirit…strong and true
And even in your darkest hour


God

Hero’s in the Dark

 Hero’s are the people, who brave the dark

Get up each morning and live with heart

I walk fearlessly, alone and unafraid

Until on that morning, when I feel betrayed

Sadness is surrounding me, my spirit starts to die

Now I am feeling all the pain, I look to you and sight

My life is unfamiliar. A hero no more lives

Fear that I'm not worthy, I hope he can forgive

So the silence comes among us, I beg please let me see,

What am I to learn from you, or please just set me free

Just let me fall into the night, a wakeless sleep I seek

Laying in the tall the dark grass, I cry myself to sleep,

Mumbling words to god in pain, I ask why you left me

Falling in a peaceful sleep, no pain upon me face

Softly someone speaks to me, while holding me in grace     I hear the words spoke clearly; I have never left your side  

You go through times when life is good,

then feel like somethings died

When feeling lost, all alone, and all you do is cry,

Stop and look at me and I will be your guide

Life is never what you plan, your best is all I need

Remember there is something there; it’s bigger than you see

So deep in sleep I feel release, to my pain and suffering

Control obsession I know I have, finally is set free

I sleep right now in God’s lap, his arms around me tight

Protected, and I feel so loved, He kisses me goodnight

Until the time I understand the path in front of me,

I take a break and dream a dream of beauty that I see

When the time is right for me, God will show me how

For now I feel his love for me and love myself somehow

In my tears he takes my hand his message becomes so clear

Hero’s are people, who brave the night,

They are God’s soldiers. who carry the light

Hero’s are the people, that can never stay down

Hero’s are the people, sent by God’s own hand

I am a hero in the light, I am a hero who braves the night

Written By: Christy Tobler

Last Few Days...

Sister's are the best...


I hung out with my sister's and had a blast!
I love being with them we went to lunch and hung out at Barnes and Noble we talked, drank coffee and then bought books. Great day with them I love them all so much.
Giggled lot's...






On Halloween I had my grand babies over night and that was a blast too! We had a sleep over and all slept together in the front room. They are a little over two and are totally entertaining. What one doesn't think of the other does! Grandpa was teasing my little Ady and her sister has gotten very protective. She waned her rabbit what she calls her Ninny and grandpa was saying no, Tyler walked up to hand on hip, finger in his face...Give Ninny to Ady now! My husband and I looked at each other and laughed so hard...needless to say grandpa gave her Ninny to Ady.
And look at these litte beauties...

Love My Life...I am so Blessed!

Still Trying to be Positive

Hanging in there...By my fingertips.....

Have to Try New Tactics!

In Pain Today... Hatin It!

Back is acting up!

Trying home remedies...

I'm Funny!

Humor...

What do you Think?

Yes...New Idea Will Work?

Losing My Mind...

Okay, I am going to share something with you...as I grow older I often feel that I have no brain. I forget names of people that I have known forever...I have something in my hand while I am looking for that thing in my hand...I yell...where the hell are my glasses... Only to find they are on my face ...Ahhh
But I am okay, I have an out for everything... because I...have told my husband...I am not responsible for anything...lol! Because I know myself too well.
Today I went to the grocery store and was chatting to my daughter on the phone the whole time I was there...I was trying to hurry so I could tend for her. So I told here I would call her when I got home.So I drive home...honk the horn for my son to get the bags...Yes...that is right I paid for the groceries...but...FORGOT the groceries!
I had to drive all the way back to the store...the clerk is laughing. my son laughing...I am laughing...I am losing it!

I am Who?

I am sitting here this morning, just saw my husband and son off for the day. I am getting finally to the point of adjusting not working. I am starting to do some things I like, things I had no idea I liked. I just started drawing and I am pretty good who would of thought?
This is a sample...
I started meditating again and reading inspiring books. Yesterday sat in my room surround by all the things I love and the fireplace cuddled with coffee...I loved my day. Long time getting here...and I am enjoying life and enjoying finding the new me.

Daily I find something literally new about me...I am beginning to finally say I like the real me. I say the real me because, I hid behind work for so long...I have never even knew me. Things happen for a reason...still in pain but, I am managing to the best I can for now...living with it but, not giving up on hope

The Shack
I have just finished a great book if you do not have a structured religion or even if you do but, your open minded, this is a book for you. I loved the thought provoking book... it made me re-think my path in life again...it let me know I am on the right track for me... It keeps me changing. It is full of hope and love....This is a Great Book!
This is what I am working on...

Promising Myself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my family and friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best of others, to love and help them to the best of my ability.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others just as I am for mine.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful continuing smile to all I meet.
To give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.


There is so much more than we know and I am evolving to a person of Love, Strength, Hope and perseverance

Finding my way

Well I have not written here for quite some time...not sure why...action seems to be in full bloom for me.

But, here I am back where I feel safe, not judged, justified and the ability to say whatever I want to say. I have been through a whirl of emotions and stuck as usual. I hate even listening to myself complain anymore. Last night I started reading my journals that I have written since quitting my job in May of 2008. The pity and complaining was difficult to read. The disappointment I feel for myself was overwhelming.

The pain from my children the last three months again very difficult to read. Is there a lesson in all this pain and frustration I read? Very few days had smiles. Today that is all I want...smiles...daily...minute by minute just give me a smile!

I lost my identity... Today slowly I am finding out who I really am...I am different than who I ever thought I would be...hmmm...thank God I still am very funny...lol...I don't want to lose my humor.

As for the ongoing problems with my kids...they pushed me over the edge last week for a minute...actually all summer they pushed me...in front of my parents! That being said...that is a whole other set of issues I thought were dealt with long ago. There I've said it...Still have some deep seeded crap...Josh I think aroused all this in me...not sure why?

A very wise man told me that children have three levels of rights from a parent.
1. Right of Family Members ship - when your kids are under 18 or not emancipated they fall under this category - this is the whole package... love, shelter, food, clothing, education, ice cream....all of it.

2. Privileges of Family Membership...this membership is for 18 or older or emancipated children...this only consist of Love that is all that is owed...anything else is a privilege...including living in my house, food, etc. Only love is here everything else is a privilege. Love is always given no matter what!

3. The last area is Responsibilities of family membership...This is for kids 18 or older that live in my house. It is an area where there are responsibilities for living in my house. Keep your room clean, mow the lawn, whatever it is...you have responsibilities to be a part of this family, maybe just being loving to people in the house. My Love is always given here as well.

The last few months my kids have controlled me by using my weakness. They have used and manipulated me in my weak areas...not their fault this is all mine. The fear of losing their love, fear they will leave, fear that they be okay with choices they are making, fear mommies needs to fix everything...all these things are frightening. They are my insecurities from my childhood. Things I have never resolved.

But after reading my journal's this same man told me I would see how these family categories would have helped all of my situations if I would or could have held to the criteria of the family membership. So reading last night...yes...I will be dammed he was right. Of course if I don't overcome my own issues and love myself...how can I expect anyone else too.

What I have learned in the last two years...I own my pain and am responsible for it...I have learned that my mind,body,spirit needs to all be in tune...this is the only thing that can help me other than medication. The problem for me is I can touch mind,body,soul but...it is very difficult to stay in this realm for me. I have to get a grip of who I am talking and listening too...your surroundings absolutely influence what is happening in your life.

I have learned what a control freak I am...this is a work in progress but, the fact that I know this about me is huge, that sounds so funny "the fact I know this about me"... I literally am figuring me out slowly but surely. This will make a huge difference on my younger son that is still at home. I already see that difference, you can't live in fear and protect your children by not letting them experience their own life.

I know my skeletons are alive and well...they pop out of the closet every now and again, even thou I thought they were resolved. But while trying to figure out what was happening...lead me to some painful experiences. Therapy with my daughter is one of those, I felt I owed her to that...why? Because I feel I failed her as a mother. After only two times of going she quit...the two sessions we had were back and forth anyway. That is when I realized this is not mine to own anymore. Is she a good wife and mother...hell yes! Is she a go getter, hell yes! Is she responsible...hell yes. I have done my job and done it well...there is no need for me to feel like a failure or guilt of things. The same with Josh...he is alot younger and he is trying to find himself but... he has a strong ground...we gave him that...we gave them all that! My son is in a different category...he will learn life the hard way and continue down this dead end road until he doesn't. But, this is not my life and not my fault...I was a very good mother and provided the same thing for him...Love! These are his choices and he will be responsible for those choices. He will look back some day and see the pain he caused...some that may not be even repairable.

But...the biggest lesson I have learned is I get to work at this every minute of everyday...I am finding myself and my new life...Life is what you chose...what you allow...what you create...who you love. If I master all of that...I am good to go...but if not I am good to go because...as long as I am learning...I am living.

Well, life is always changing for me just the way it should. Sometimes do you ever feel like running away so you don't have to face any realities that you have created. Lately that is how I feel, I quietly think in my mind run, run, run. But my reality is I cant run, I have no money to do so and another son to raise or screw up...who knows. I will get up again tomorrow and face the day ahead. I have so much to be grateful for but...I keep focusing on one thing...Josh!

It is the strangest thing from going to seeing, talking, kissing him to complete cut off! The hate that radiates from him crushes me everyday...I am torturing myself by trying to fix this...why? I always try to fix things, that is who I am...this is something that I would like to change in me. I miss him! I know he is lost and there is nothing I can do, He has ran to his sister and she will see him through. I am so grateful and jealous that she has him, I don't think Josh even thinks of me... at least not good...He is such a selfish shit!

Big decision's are coming up for him in his life, we always agreed that together we would make the choices for his money. The money that I got for the little ungrateful brat! But, I won't be a part to help him save for his future, Misty will. It is not right! Every time I have tried to talk with him, he has no emotion... as if he never even loved me or that I am his mom. All of this because...I am controlling? The crime does not fit the punishment! He is consuming me and I am slowly breaking down, I feel myself sliding back to a place that is oh so familiar. Doubting every move I make...or even what I am thinking. Could I be that bad of a person... of a mother? Two kids do not like me...I mean the core of who I am... my personality...You don't change that... What the hell do I do with that?

I know I am rambling on about him...I am writing to release some of the crap I have built up inside me. I always ramble here and there when I am upset I hope to dump some of the feeling's I have at least towards Josh...I haven't been sleeping or present in anything I do...unless it is about my son.

So here are my writings:

From the moment that we met and I held you in my arms,
all my love was lost to you the day that you were born
I had never felt this kind of love...fear quickly aroused in me
The thought of ever losing you, could put me to my knees
So I locked this thought and put it away... and lost the key in me

The journey that we would chose in life was full of happiness
The time we spent together we laughed and giggled too,
Our lives became so full of love... all for me and you
Hugs and kisses would be enough to comfort our lives through
Before I knew it was happening our love became entwined
Mother and son until the end, how I wished it could be
All I saw was your love...today it's binding me!

I taught you how to love yourself and always trust in you
I taught you not to follow but, always lead you through
I taught you kindness and compassion then glued our love in two
I never thought I see the sight that hate would break it through

What would now be told to you...and strength that it took me?
I moved ahead and exposed myself, you a hugged and then kissed me
But then you still chose to close your heart and just sit back and sneer
The regret I have I have of telling you... there are no words to say
Compassion is all but...gone from you, I know not who you are
You’re telling me it's really you...But,this I do not see

I see a Judge...that you've become and already sentenced me
My punishment doesn't fit your crime, you forgot that you love me
I never meant to hurt you...please try and see my side
If you stop and close your eyes...maybe you can see
Can you ever imagine son...me intentionally hurting you?

My past it has affected me... in the way that I raised you
Watching you...oh so close...while trying to parent you
I know you need freedom son... and I was stifling you
You want to spread your wings and fly..find the path for you
But,I know you love your dad and I and even brother too,

Josh...this just can’t be okay with you...
Please don't chose this path
I give what you want today...I'll leave you all alone
But, I will always love Josh even when your mean
Please...don't lose your love for us...I hope you are okay
Remember Josh, You’re not alone...you...still have me
I am your mother and my love for you...is unconditionally