Interesting, I have never blogged nor ever thought that I would but, there is a first for everything. I am hoping to get from this blog some insight of my new life. I am 48 years old and started working at fifteen, I have always worked hard. I now have a ruptured T-12 disc and eight bulging disc.
My T-12 has finally helped me make the decision that I cannot work anymore. I am in pain 24-7 and am on allot of medication. Surgery is not an option for me, because of the risk of going through the front where they would take out the organs that are in the way, repair the disc and put the organs back where they belong. So unless I lose my bladder, I choose not to do that surgery.
I was once a go-getter and love a challenge, especially when someone or I wasn't sure I could do it... I always made it happen! I have lost that spirit I had and I miss it everyday and want it back. I think about what could be, for Pete's sake I can walk, I have my family, I am crying about this! I am weak, this is something new for me to experience...I AM STRONG!
Shoot forward... New life...24-7 pain, depression, no job, fear of the future! What is going to happen? Is this my LIFE?
I have three kids, and just became a first time grandmother of twins, which I can't tend or pick them up. I am not the mother I once was. I have a thirteen and seventeen year old still at home. I need to do a better job for my kids but have a hard time doing that and have lost the desire to do anything. I feel like a failure in many ways. My life has taken a new direction and I don't even know who I am, I quit in May of 08 and have now applied for disability....which I can't believe I'm asking for financial help.
I have had almost a year of not working and still feel as if I'm walking in a fog filled room aimlessly. I need hope and a direction to go in. I have read all the positive bullshit...I have read a ton of books on how to "think' my way out of this mess or meditate, find myself crap. I have tried tons of things for pain. Nothing is working and I am so pissy about everything.
I am past the feel sorry for me stage or the ego part of not contributing the way I "think" I should (okay maybe not)and the fact that I look completely haggard to what I did a year ago! I am angry of not being present in my "today" life. This is not me but, I can't figure anything to do about it mentally or physically because of this %&* back pain.
I have allot to be grateful for I know...Is it bad to want it all....How do people live with pain and depression and a sense of lost being? The realization that work you trained for your whole life is gone. What will I do now for me? I can't be good to my family until I get my act together. What and how am I now going to contribute, this is the million dollar question for me. This can not be it ...I want more.
Hello Christie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for leaving a comment, you're my very first! Good luck with your blogging, I hope it's a positive step forward for you and brings you a little closer to the life and the direction you're looking for.
All the best
.:: The Fro0p ::.
Hi and thanks for stooping by my blog. I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your back, the pain, and depression setting in. I know you are going through a terrible period but I do see things getting better for you....honestly. I really feel that Homeopathy is your answer. I know a very good Homeopath and he actually has a blog here on blogspot. http://likecure.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteYou can write him with your questions.
Hi Christie,
ReplyDeleteI can pick up on your writing....which has a lot of energy within the thoughts you jot down.
Do you have an interest in stones? If so, you can carry two different stones for pain relief and for depression... Clear Quartz and Black Tourmaline. Also meditation would help a lot too.
If you’re more in to the spiritual side of things, the metaphysical, unexplored, divine power, or how ever you want to phrase it you can visit this Curandera’s website for some of her courses. I have talked to her on a number of occasions and she is great. She teaches how to remove bad energies around you. If you’re interested, you can visit her site at http://www.curiouscurandera.com
Dear Christy:
ReplyDeleteI understand your back pain, depression and work situation. I was there too and said I couldn't go on anymore so I went for help, first with a psychologist to teach me how to cope, then God provided me with an amazing women who would visit Canada twice a year her name is Dr. Sharon Forrest and she's a healer. Her website is http://www.healingnow.com/about.htm. I slowly began to meditate and change my thoughts and behaviours. I had to learn to let go, embrace the unknown, and not be in control all the time. You are actually very lucky Christy because God loves you that he has given you this challenge so that you can change yourself. If you like I could keep you in my healing meditation prayers. Just let me know. Know that this is the beginning of a new rebirth for you.