A "Perfect Day"

Okay, so I guess my last ranting was pretty um "angry" I really felt like I was at the end of my rope very hopeless and tired. The days that followed were not much better, I fought with kids, I did a couple of dumb things like trying to stuff I used to could do and now admitting I have something else I can't do. But things happen for a reason and I know....it's all about the learning experience right?

I slept allot yesterday, I took a two hour nap and still went to bed at eight that night, I might add I slept rather well that is the first unusual thing that happened. I normally DON'T sleep good, laying down is the worst time for pain. The last few days have been hell, really feeling sorry for myself and wondering what is the point. I called and cancelled all therapy appointments and just said screw it! My attitude the last week was offensive even to me.

But, I woke up this morning and thought hmm my back is not too bad, how weird. I got out of bed, showered, even put on makeup. Still feeling good decided to venture out, I laughed and laughed throughout the day quite a bit, in fact allot. Stranger than that, I felt more like my old self today than I have in a year. The pain was tolerable and I almost felt comfortable in my own skin, other than I admit, I kept waiting for the ball to drop but, it never did.

I am so grateful for today... I needed it so bad! I was feeling very lonely, it is hard to explain because how can you feel alone when you are living with people believe me, you can. Then bam.. out of the blue, kicked and down for the count...a gift given? As I write this tonight, my pain has been increasing, am I crazy? Or was I just given a gift a break? I loved today, I loved everything today, I loved hearing myself laugh today, writing it now makes me smile now, I forgot how funny I am! God, I bet my family misses that, I miss that.

A realization happened to me the other day, I was doing something dumb, painting a long narrow cupboard oh excuse me, attempting to do this when my parents came home. They are staying with me, they walked in the door and I started to cry I mean cry when I settled down, I heard my mother starting to lecture me about what I can and can't do anymore. I was very mean and pissed off and tired of people telling me that, even though deep inside I knew this to be true. I have limitations on my physical activities. Anyway, I looked up and she was crying, at that moment my heart went to comfort her. I asked, why are you crying and she said, I am so worried about you and that you are not accepting any limitations. At that second... I thought I am the biggest brat! I have been so wrapped in me, I forgot about the people that love me. So I know even if I don't want to accept limitations I need to be aware of my audience and not worry the people that I love.

I haven't said anything but, I have taken NO pain pills today! Until just now and it is 10:30 at night. For whatever reason, I was given this tolerable break and I am so thankful!! I would have only asked for 15 minutes not ever wanting to be greedy about something like this... but for a day....words can't describe my gratitude today.

Maybe I am trying to hard to make sense of something that doesn't need to make sense. It just is and I am not seeing for whatever reason, what the purpose is... maybe, I'm not ready yet. Maybe, I am suppose to listen to the quietness that alarms me inside whenever I try too, the weeping that should have done but was lost and needed to be found, the me I didn't take care of, the right things I didn't make a priority. Maybe it's me that needs to find balance, I have been so lost and running from things in my life that I became obsessed by working and trying to build a career for the last thirty years that I forgot real pieces of my life. And now I am so preoccupied with pain I have forgotten real pieces of my life. Writing this now... in this moment... I may have just had an epiphany, maybe that is the lesson "balance".

For whatever reason, it doesn't matter tonight. I am just grateful for the day, I have a husband who loves and inspires me with words of deep thought and profound love, children that love me even at my worst unconditionally, grand babies that I held in my arms and swung into the air today with little pain, we chased each other laughing and kissing just like we should... all three of us smiling as if they knew it was a gift too, for sisters that love and do things to always remind me I am not alone, a brother that loves and sent me a special message of faith today, for parents that love me.

As I read this... today life is just the way it should be... A "perfect day".

By the way... I always read my last ranting after I finish my new one to see if I an going the right way or if I am learning anything from blogging. If you want to get chills read the bottom paragraph from a couple of days ago.