Monday, June 1, 2009

Losing My Faith....and the battle

Well, my week was a full event did way to much and am paying dearly for it. Yesterday and now again today I am in severe pain. I will again for the second day do nothing...I am humble, tried, scared, lost, alone and pissed off all at the same time. I just want to be normal, I want to wash the dog, have water fights, plant flowers, work on projects, I want to be normal. I want to dance in the wind and not be afraid. I want to be happy with my life. I want to not feel like a jerk for what I don't have. My life is full of tears... even with a lifetime of grate fullness for the family and the body that I do have, I am pathetic. I am so angry!

How can you possible understand what that means? You can't....To you its just complaining and oh, I'm sorry. To me, it fucking sucks... and yes, I am angry. Sometimes, I am so angry that I want to scream, instead on those days my family gets the butt end of it! I become someone I don't know, I am mean and ugly to them and can't help myself and later for the hundredth time say... I'm sorry... the very thing I hate to hear right now!

I read, I try everything and for what? Nothing is going to change this! Accept this.... would you? You can't answer that because you don't have chronic pain! Reading is a temporary mind adjustment it keeps my mind busy so I don't think about it or I get the hope that some higher power will take pity on me. What a joke! They all say, until you accept it you won't be able to move on until you do, but when it is in your face 24 X 7 and then some days worse...accept it...hell no! I refuse to accept this as my life. I wont do it. Do I have a plan...no, sadly my plans have all run dry.

I don't have the answer but I'm pissed off enough to know one thing this SUCKS and I wont accept this as my life...God, please help me with a plan...I want to dance and I am at the end of my rope and need you.

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