God I just have to vent...
I went to the doctor and of course he would like to change medications again. God, I am so angry that I don't know what to even do with it, all though it has seemed tonight to find it's way to my kids, husband and sister, I don't even like me. I am so mad about having these issues! The way I am reacting to all this!! I feel so weak, angry, self centered I can't stand it!!! My husband said: I need to stop saying bad stuff about me but, honestly it comes so easily just flows from my mouth without even thinking. There is not much I like about me anymore.
Chronic pain is this whole old dark world that I never knew existed. You get up everyday and pretend the sun is shining and the wonderful day your going to have doing absolutely nothing! You work on making yourself more spiritual and better human being while learning to accept not resist, be positive not negative... it's not that hard just focus... all the while your lying to everyone you know about how you feel!! You say the usual: good or fair. When really your in pain 24x7 and totally depressed, hanging on with your fingertips, which yes... you guessed it...they HURT! Oh and the beauty is you can do it again and again day after day.
It takes on its own life and you find yourself looking in the mirror wondering what the hell am I doing here and why did this happened? It is as if I never were..I swear a mean worn out woman has possessed me. I'm so mean and really sincerely feel bad when I yell or snap at someone especially my kids. But, then I do it again right after I just said I was sorry to them, it has become a way of life for me. Here is something back in my face, I remember telling one of my kids who lied to me allot and then would just say sorry and turn around and do it the next day. I told them sorry only means something if you are sincere about saying it and you try and not do it again. They said I do mean it and I am trying. That answer drove me crazy!! I say I am sorry 100 times a day and I mean it and then turn around and do it again.
I have been looking at other websites where people are trying to adjust to chronic pain as well and I find a sense of familiarity. When I read some of things people wrote, sadly they are going through the same thing I am and are struggling too! So I guess that makes me not crazy! I just have no self esteem left, which is so strange I always thought highly of myself, I was a hard worker, thoughtful, smart, great mom and wife. I liked me...I miss that...liking me.
The same thing all of the people I chat with said... there is no magic answer you just keep trying everything and be open to everything at least once. Listen to your gut if what a doctor is telling you doesn't feel good don't do it. Mostly don't give up.
As for the family, well my little guy I haven't figured out yet what to do because he still needs me, not the other way around. I don't cook for him or give him the attention he deserves and needs, I need to figure out a plan for him, I don't want him worrying about me. The rest of my family unfortunately... I am in the position of needing them and I never like being in that position but that is the way it is and I can't change it!! Hopefully... it is what you call unconditional love and that their pockets continue and overflow with it for me.
I feel better tonight after writing this and letting it out...the best thing I have done for myself since this miserable mess is blogged. Best therapy and the cheapest.
. The Rules for Being Human
ReplyDelete* 1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's the only thing you are sure to keep for the rest of your life.
* 2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "Life on Planet Earth". Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher.
* 3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation. "Failures" are as much a part of the process as "success."
* 4. A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson.
* 5. If you don't learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. Pain is how the universe gets your attention.
* 6. You will know you've learned a lesson when your actions change. Wisdom is practice. A little of something is better than a lot of nothing.
* 7. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" becomes a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that again looks better than "here."
* 8. Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another unless it reflects something you love or hate in yourself.
* 9. Your life is up to you. Life provides the canvas; you do the painting. Take charge of your life -- or someone else will.
* 10. You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract -- therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students.
* 11. There is no right or wrong, but there are consequences. Moralizing doesn't help. Judgments only hold the patterns in place. Just do your best.
* 12. Your answers lie inside you. Children need guidance from others; as we mature, we trust our hearts, where the Laws of Spirit are written. You know more than you have heard or read or been told. All you need to do is to look, listen, and trust.
* 13. You will forget all this.
* 14. You can remember any time you wish.
Attitude is everything. People have many problems. Many of their problems are worse than yours. You have a real problem with real limitations, no doubt. Yet, this is your deck of cards to play in life. You can let them keep you down and depressed or accept your cards and do whatever is in your power to enjoy the life you have.
ReplyDeleteIt’s there all right. It is always nagging at you. You wake up with it and go to bed with it. You wish it was freaking gone and would love to be pain-free. Maybe you have become dependent upon medications prescribed by well-meaning physicians and you need more and more of the same medications to cut the edge of the pain. You obsess about your pain or maybe you feel prisoner to it. As much as it is common to feel helpless to conditions causing chronic pain, there are things you can do.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most important coping mechanisms in dealing with chronic pain is to accept that you may never live pain-free again. As you begin to accept the reality of living with a chronic pain condition, you can take steps to ensure better coping, better respect of your limitations and less depression from having unrealistic expectations that leave you falling short of goals that are not possible to achieve. When you feel like a victim, you will be angry all the time. Feeling angry is normal at first, but long-held chronic anger will likely stoke your production of fight-flight hormones that are not necessary for use in daily living. As your body readies itself for fight or flight by producing adrenalin, cortisol, norepinephrine and other physiological changes, when these changes are not acted upon or used up in exercise, these changes just tax the immune system.
It is normal to feel depressed due to loss of a pain-free lifestyle and due to letting go of activities that you used to be able to do and can no longer do without added pain. It is normal to feel resentment and guilt and a sense of “Why me?” Over time, however, it is vital to change your perceptions to get on with your life. There are always things you can do, whether physical or mental. Christopher Reeves is an example of a man who has changed the way he feels fulfilled in life. He no longer rides horses or can walk, but he is using his mind to write books, to push research in spinal cord injuries and to promote funding for further research. He has not given up on life and he finds fulfillment in new ways because he has to.
So do you have to make changes. You will not only change your physical activities to be in line with your abilities, but you will also have to change your perceptions of your own value in life, your value to others, your willingness to ask for help, your habits of doing too much yourself to avoid looking weak, helpless or in need. You will have to learn to ask for support, to tell people your limitations and to accept those limitations without feeling guilty or depressed.
In slowing down, you will find that you have more time to think, feel and plan. You can use this awareness and time to wallow in your pain, or you can use this time to focus on what you can do, what you need to change and on how you can cope better. Meditation and relaxation training are incompatible with pain. The more you can use your mind to relax your body, the more you will inoculate yourself against the full thrust of pain perception.
Sleep is curative. The best way to get sleep is to condition yourself to get sleep. Get out of bed if you have been tossing and turning and unable to sleep for more than 15 minutes. At that time, write your thoughts and feelings down on paper. Empty your mind from all kinds of thoughts floating around or from thinking about all the things you must accomplish tomorrow or the next day. Next, read or write creatively or do some other relaxing activity until you get tired again. Be sure to not eat heavily late at night. Eat light carbohydrates for an after dinner snack. No caffeine or chocolate after diner as it has caffeine in it. Take a warm bath before bed and keep your room very dark and cool for optimal sleeping condition.
Attitude is everything. People have many problems. Many of their problems are worse than yours. You have a real problem with real limitations, no doubt. Yet, this is your deck of cards to play in life. You can let them keep you down and depressed or accept your cards and do whatever is in your power to enjoy the life you have.