Friday, June 26, 2009

What do I do?

I find my house so quiet it is very early this morning. I went to the doctor and will get another MRI and then a bone density test. The pain have moved up into my shoulder blades and down into my butt, I am hoping it is just strained from cleaning or just doing something basic around the house. Today I am going to the doctor that prescribes my medications. I wish I could just stop taking any pills.

I am mean, I have been very cranky with my family especially my kids. I dislike who I have become. I am WEAK, lazy, incapable, and depressed. I don't cook for Justin who still needs his nutrition he just eats junk food, so add bad mom to that list. I just have no interest in anything. What do I do? I have lost passion in my life.

I am really scared and talking from my heart what do I do? Please don't say live in the moment I need specific ideas and actions. I am not smart enough to do that, I feel as if I am nuts. Can chronic pain do that? Stop right now and close your eyes and think of when you were hurt or depressed then put them together and X that by 24x7 what do you do? How do you stay positive with that? I know I can walk, breathe etc. but this is in the way and I can't get past that..Tory if you are reading this what would you do? Anyone reading this what would you do?

All I want to do is sleep, except if I am not drugged I can't and all I want if off these pills but then I can't function! It is all connected but unbalanced what do I do? I am scared and again feeling sorry for myself, hell I never stopped. Pathetic I never have seen this side of me and I really dislike it!

What do I do?

1 comment:

  1. http://www.theacpa.org/people/helpful_reading.asp

    The Cracked Pot

    A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
    One of the pots had a crack in it. The other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house. The cracked pot arrived only half full.
    For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
    "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
    "Why?' asked the bearer. 'What are you ashamed of?"
    "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.
    The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."
    Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.
    The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years, I
    have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
    Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty.

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