Been awhile...

Well... it has been awhile since I have been able to write anything, I have had some company and am just finding some alone time to think. I am trying to stay focused on the present but seems to be a pretty intensive task. When you focus on the present that includes my physical pain. I have felt some changes in my pain the last few weeks and am afraid things may be shifting. I have heavy pain that goes from the middle of my back to the bottom of my behind. I am really scared of that happening. I guess I will call the doctor this next week something is off. I also have been very clumsy and foggy a couple of times in the last few weeks, I feel I am off more than normal.

Before I had all this pain...and my life changed so drastically, I took total advantage of time, I was always revisiting the past full of fear and anger. Then living in the future which scares the hell out of me because of what will be next. Then to trying to just stay in the moment, but that is hard too because it is difficult not to focus on pain. So now I look to find things I am grateful for everyday and there is always something I can find there. I read that cloudiness or lost in your life means you need quiet time. You need to trust everything that is brought into your life because they are from god a greater source. They are for our growth, learning, and to led us down the divine path. In other words trust the flow of your life. Hmm what do you think of that? Live each moment as intended?

If it is true that we only use 1/10 of our conscious mind and if we are in the time of our life that we have no clarity, alertness, can't see, can't hear. Maybe it is true to stop the madness in your mind and be quiet and listen to the soft whisper deep inside you. Then you will have clairty on who and what you are. The problem for me is the drugs, pain and the constant reminder of the state I am in...deeply depressed and tired, it is hard to listen but I work on stepping forward everyday. I am reading a little of everything and continue the search, I am working on looking for things that are working in my life today and being grateful for that.

I also read something that spirituality means knowing no matter what.... everything will be okay.
The body is just a vessel, don't resist what is...Crisis means a crossroad and a threshold to something bigger. Growth is to let go and not complain why me? Virtue is Courage, Fearless, Fighter, Integrity. Ego is Hate, Resentment, Scared, no risk, resist.

Which do I want to be labeled in my heart? Virtue...Hmm not an easy task but desire is part of virtue and as long as I still have that I am okay. God help me if I lose it. I need to live the life I should live even if I think or "ego" thinks it should be more. Money, jobs, material things don't make you truly happy it is how you live the life you have been given. I obviously still need to learn this from all the obstacles I have overcome already in my life. Sometimes when I think I have not learned that, it makes me "laugh" and think Duh? I have had many chances to learn this lesson and still have not.

I am thankful for people who love me and for this blog that allows me to be free. Keep me humble to always learn and let go to love.