I am curious why people say: What you think today you will receive in the future. Do they believe people want to be in pain, rape, murder? That statement is killing me, you can't wish away pain you can try and be positive and be grateful for the blessings in your life now. If I could have wished my pain away by thinking "I am well" then I should be well. The only thing I can do is choose the way to handle it all, some days are okay and some aren't.

I have read every book out there regarding this. So for victims and people in pain bullshit your not crazy your pain is real. I get so frustrated that people, even family do not understand the big picture, this will not go away. I know they love me and are just worried, especially lately. I have been very depressed and just want to sit home in a dark room and have really been thinking how can I get out of this?

So, yesterday I got this idea what if I did something different, I woke up and thought I am going to do what I normally do before all this happened. I cleaned the basement out! My house has been neglected for some time...anyway I re-did my son's room, did laundry, vacuumed, dusted it all looked great...clean just like it used to be. Now the bad part, in order for me to accomplish those things this is what I had to do: I took more medication than I am suppose to get through it, I drank alcohol because it wasn't working quick enough, that's right... you shouldn't even be drinking with all the medication I am on. By 5:00 I was hammered. I woke today can hardly walk.

So... the big question still remains how to be happy and live your life? I guess I look again at surgery and hope nothing goes bad with hitting the spine. Oh hell, I don't know!!