I am warning you this is negative so if you don't want the energy to rub onto you DONT read it.
This blog was made for me...an outlet of truth and honesty. So I am saying what I want without any judgement or veil... I got denied again for disability saying that medical wise yes, I have a ruptured T12 and degeneration of the spine and neck that I should be able to perform the same work I have always done. Oh what did the call that "Light Duty Work". I have never had light duty work that pisses me off!
I also had an experience today that did not go the way I thought it would because I am an emotional mess. Now I can't turn off my crying...am I crazy? Maybe I have made up this pain and it is all in my head. My brother told me that you can control your body by your thoughts, hell his wife said she cured TMJ. Maybe I have created this whole thing and it is a lie! Doctors say I should have no pain, I should be able to still work! I look fine, I am up, I can walk ...actually I can do what ever I want I just pay for it later. Maybe I am up in the night!
Do I stop all this nonsense and go back to work? My family keeps paying for this...I have been crying for about 20 minutes and my kids know it! It is always all about me, never them anymore. I am like such a loser and such a complainer that I can;t express what that is like. Listen to what they hear all day and night long. "I don't feel good", "god, my back hurts", "I have to sit in my chair", "I need a pill", I need a bath", "Oh not now my back hurts", "Oh mom can't do that with her back"... I need, I need...How would you love to be part of that family everyday!
I am so mean you can't believe it takes nothing and I am mean! My kids can't wait to get out of here. My seventeen year old will leave in December as soon as he turns 18, I fight with my daughter, and the 13 year old thinks he needs to take care of me! Hell I want to fight with everyone. I am so ANGRY at myself.
Do I just stop.... slowly go off medication and go back to work? The waiting list on disability is one year to even see judge. God what have I done? What if I get denied...this is the last time. Is this all in my head?
When I look in the mirror I see nothing what my brother sees... I am so far in a pity pot and I can't stand myself for the position I have put us in! Who walks away from a $50,000 plus bonus a year job for something that may just be in my head!!! Was I just going nuts and desperate to get out of work? Do I really even have pain? Your head can do crazy things! Now I am going to some emotional muscle tester lady. Not sure what that is about but, have to do something...Can't sit here and cry and wait for something to find me.
God, what have I done and how do I fix this?
My heart goes out to you. At my last visit to my doc (the one I love) I asked about qualifying for disability just to protect my job. He told me it was all but impossible. I know how hard it is. I have had to continue working because I have no other options. It is incredibly hard. My life consists primarily of work, going to a gym to try to rehab (to whatever degree is possible), and sleep. I also understand not wanting to be negative but chronic pain just kind of sucks the life out of you. It is NOT, I repeat NOT in your head. And yes, pain makes you mean. It's like every fiber of every nerve ending in your body is raw. So your patience is non-existent. I tried NOT to take the pain meds so I could physically function but that makes it worse. Take the meds. I still take at least one Vicodin a day and probably will for the rest of my life. The biggest thing you need to do is to stop beating yourself up. If your family can make it on one income, take care of yourself. I have three young adult kids (18,21, 34) kids - two of whom make me incredibly sad. They have no compassion whatsoever and I have to nag them to get any help. One - the 18 yr old - is quite compassionate but that's because she was diagnosed with bone cancer when she was 15 and has been through hell herself. I know this is one lengthy comment and I apologize but I read your entry and I SO know what you're going through. I am - unfortunately - a wealth of information about pain and related issues (been dealing with this stuff since I was 33 and am now 54) so if you have any questions, email me!
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