I wanted to wait a couple of days until I talked about my weekend. It was a full event, and I have had a wide range of emotions. I will start with my seventeen year old son. After allot of drama on Saturday night including not coming home.... no clue where he was... he showed up with his sister the next day. He proceeded to tell his dad and I he wanted to move with his sister that he would rather be in juvenile jail than be with me. I sat at stared at him tears swelled in my eyes, he of course looked at me determined, unemotionally attachment. He had already came up with a plan with his sister down to the detail. Finally, we agreed, within an hour he was gone... no hugs, no kisses...nothing. The reality was killing me as my child I would no longer get hugs and kisses before bed, He was gone, it wrecked me,! He made his first choice as and adult just like he wanted and I knew it would be difficult for him down the line. He is so far behind in school I thought he would have needed me but, insist he didn't any longer.. But Dec 1,09 He is 18 and would have left then anyway.
I was really hurt and then angry and then hurt again. But I called him today to see if he would meet me for dinner. When I talk to him I am going to imagine my most loving moment with him as a child to guide me through the talk so I will be tender, loving and the mom I know I was when he was little. I want to tell him it's okay and that I am here anytime he needs me. That he is great and I have faith he will do great things. If he wants to go to school I will pay his tuition and if he doesn't that is okay too. I will pay for it in 5 years if he decides to do it. If he wants to come back home anytime he is welcome and that my love is unconditional. I am hoping my angels stay with me through the dinner to give me the strength...I love him so much and want him to be happy. My daughter is amazing with as much as she has on her plate, she made me proud she took care of her brother and took him in.
My next drama was I had an MRI and they found the bone marrow had changed could be due to chronic pain, cancer or other things. They have set me up for several test and tomorrow I have a full body bone scan. I am a little nervous but I know it is from the pain I have continually had. Chronic pain can do weird stuff to you body. Everything will be great. I have meet two new women that I am strongly connected to and is helping me with my pain. It is the first thing in a long time that I am giving my full attention to, they are teaching me allot.
I'm so glad you have found women who can help you, I can encourage and pray, but I know I have no experience to tell you how to deal with all that you are going through. I will continue to hold you in prayer and see you finding your way to wholeness.
ReplyDeleteA Mother's Love
ReplyDeleteA Mother's love is something
that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain.
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking.
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.