Yes, it's true after having even a moment with God, I strayed from the path. It has been interesting, since I have become "Aware" it is easier to recover and get back on the path. I have been shocked by this, it may have be through a brother,an email, or reading comments on my blog, maybe it was all three that in synchronicity together in their words reminded me of what I am trying to create. Now when I add my beautiful kids in that mix, that I have raised and loved their entire life's, they have turn into people I don't even know. They think it's you, I think it's them, in reality it is both. Love is taken advantage of every day. You forget what it is like to not be loved! Experience needs to be learned by them, even if you want and are willing...sometimes they just have to learn their own way. That is what has been hard, letting Go knowing I am a control freak. But, now I realize there is nothing I can do.
But, what I realized is I might not be exactly sure who I am but, what I know about myself is I am learning. I am loving, tolerant, compassionate, forgiving, seeking and really changing to better human being. I do not take love for granted and toss it away when it doesn't fit the right package size in my life. I never have! I forgive or ask to be forgiven and move forward. I am assuming that comes with age. The path I wavered was because, my kids are growing up and depending on each other and I am so jealous and not needed anymore that it has consumed my life. I have felt unworthy of their love. I have cried mountains of tears. Then,I realized no matter how hard I try, I can't control life, nor the life of another, this includes kids. Some one told me "let go, and let life" is a leap of faith and Faith is what I am loaded with,today I leap.
I may stray again but, being aware really helps, I really miss my kids and grandbabies,I really miss my son! But,I figure this must be some part of my soul's evolution...so I am surrendering to God. Sometimes...that is the only thing you can do is have "Faith". Maybe the fact I have too much time on my hands and not able to work,I think it has those thought have been there for quite sometime But,became totally clear to me when I went to visit my brothers new office. I need purpose..this is something I need to figure out...What am I suppose to do...I just need to find my talent and passion. Hmmm piece of cake? LOL
I think what I have been experiencing the last year and half, especially the last 7 weeks is what people call "The Shift". I watched a movie from Dr. Wayne Dryer called the "Shift" you can only find it at hayhouse or look up the name of both movie and Wayne. It is a very good enlightening movie, which I have connected it to me. I don't need anyone or any of my kids to tell me "I am a Divine Human Being" which means mother too. What you give to another, you give to yourself, I only give love.
I loved in the movie the part where he said: "if you feel out of balance today" no worry,you can paint another painting everyday. I can do what...I want dance, write, go to the park, I can intend for my son to feel love from me! I am learning so much and the one thing that keeps coming up for me is me. Take care of yourself, love yourself,forgive yourself, be who you want to be. So I have not a clue how to do this..so, I am staying in the moment and working on it daily, starting with unconditional love.
I think how you move through life depends on how awake you are but, as you start waking up I can tell you this: When I am aligned with the spirit I flow down stream in the river of life easily. When I am not aligned with spirit I am in a canoe with oars paddling like a manic upstream. So all I have to do is "think" drop my oars and start moving with the flow of life, not against it. Trust in you, have faith to surrender, stay connected, and for me, find my destiny. Some people believe you need nothing special to do, it just is... but, I say there is destiny, we are meant to do something and nothing is too big for me to do. The trick is just finding your talent, and what you love most to do. I don't know these answers either but, at least I know the questions.
So, yes I have learned allot and look forward to the journey ahead. I intend to be happy and grateful for what I have. I am allowing of what ever comes my way, because it is giving me experience good or bad, I am working on believing in me, loving and knowing everything I do comes out of love. It is really the perspective you choose to see it through.
So now... I have decided I am "The Peaceful Warrior" I have earned this name because of the things I have experianed in my life and survied that has made me a more loving and forgiving person. I have finally found my peace and love...in my heart... and it is wide open and allowing for what comes next. Life is worth living at it's fullest!
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