Dedicated to "Tory"

I have learned so much in the last couple of months. I have learned that I have allowed myself to be on an emotional roller coaster ride in life. That I have chose to give up my power and to believe that is what mothers and wife’s do, this is what good people should do? I was wrong to believe that and I am now just figuring it out. It makes me laugh as I am writing this to you. I never saw or heard anything that I had the choice of keeping my power, I was never taught that… I never even believed that I had a choice. My power was taken long ago and I just never reclaimed it. Recently with spirituality alive and well in my life I am able to understand that and reclaim my power! My sister for years tried to talk to me about this… she wanted to drag me here and there but, I chose not to… why? Because, I had to be ready at the right time and place to listen and to understand what I know today. My same sister created a fictional person just to talk to me on this blog simply… because I wouldn’t listen to her or anyone else that wanted to help me. A stranger…"Tory"…My Angel here on earth helped me help myself out of a hole which leads me to the path that I am on in my life today.

I now believe peace awaits me and I am having glimpses of what it looks like and can see it is coming to me. I am learning to allow with the help from people and books that I love, no matter what comes my way. I will allow what comes from my husband, family, kids, and life and by learning to allow, I then can choose how it affects me. I allow me to make the decision of who I am and how I represent myself. I have finally chosen that Christy is defining Christy. I will continue working to release pain, anger and any other negativity that I have chosen for myself. I take full responsibility for the all actions in my life and believe I chose them so that I would figure out exactly what I have at this place and time.

I have learned that I am in a battle with my Ego and it is an ongoing fight. This fight if lost, always as has the same result! It leads nowhere…a dead end…stuck in a life that you chose. The thing that we all have in common is that Ego is just trying to Edge God Out! It is all the stuff that happens to us, in our lives, all the moments where we are given into believing that we have been abandoned! I have experienced this many times in my life. Where I was mislead and have fallen. In those moments, I have felt absolutely alone, abandoned, lost and helpless. In my mind, the illusion had the power to take full control of me and lead me deep into the depths of despair. I have lived there in and out of this place my entire life, but for the last year and half…I went as far down as I could go! My current illusion is a painful one, and I choose in this moment not to allow “Ego” to lead me where “he” lives. I have been quietly listening to my thoughts and as I hear a negative thought...I stop and analyze where I think this emotion this feeling...this thought is coming from…is this thought “true?” I just happen to have an example: tonight an event happened. I found $20.00 dollars stashed in my wallet and I told my husband yah… I just found money hidden in my wallet. His response was: How would that be. I instantly went to the defense… I watched my mind jump here and there not staying in the moment… I watched as a negative thought turn into an emotion called “fear!” A negative feeling and thought I almost reacted on. Why would I think that thought my husband who adores me…why would I be on the defense to him? Then I realized it was fear were this was coming from…it was because I don’t work…I felt I wasn’t doing my part if I wasn’t contributing money to our lives. It was really amazing! I almost reacted and quickly caught myself. As we walked outside I asked him; “what did you mean when you said; “How would that be?” He said I wished I would find stashed money in my wallet why? I giggled to myself and said “I’ll be dammed.” It was not a dig it to me it was what you call paranoia, insecurity coming from me. I then realized…this really works… what the hell I was thinking LOL? I also think that it is interesting that I just happened to get this example so clearly on the day I was going to talk about on my blog. I love synchronicity and the fact I know now when it is happening. I believe with all of my heart in bringing and allowing change to flow into my life, for movement…is life. So today, what I know as my “truth” and will keep learning my truth as change occurs in my life. Today... I walk my talk and live my words, and humbly, with a deep respect for all those whom I live with and those I love I wait and pray for change… change for all of us.

The last couple of months I have been taking a look at me. And then looking at the person I am choosing to be. Instead of being a wandering person through life like a robot. Just going through the motions of life and letting other people run our lives. We work, eat, watch TV, and go to bed...then get up in the morning and do the same thing with the same attitude...which produces the result…it’s hilarious now that I look at it that way. I am so grateful for my kids that in the last couple of months. I have learned more about who I am than any other time in my life! This would not have happened had Josh not moved in with Misty in anger. They have taught me that…I choose who, when, and why I let things in my life! I create my life with my thoughts good or bad. They have helped to see that I control my life and that finally I am choosing peace… I am kindness, forgiving and loving because I choose to and that I am deserving of it. Perception is the most important thing to remember in life…it keeps you connected to God. When perception is lost chaos begins. This quiet peace at my very center and all the while, sometimes feeling that waves are crashing into me, throwing me against the rocks and I almost drown. I now find a way to keep my head above the water. Imperfect as I may be…I am strong…I am the lighted soul, I am now finding my way to the real life that I chose to live. Where do I start? I start with wanting to dance in the rain, to play in the park with my grand children… to just feel the warmth of the sun on my beautiful face. I am invited and have always been invited by divine grace to “come as I am,” and I accept that Invitation. I am enough to make any change I choose to happen. I think it...I have passion for it and the faith to see it happen! I have found that God is in every place, everyone, every moment and every breathe I take in life. I will work on choosing to always come from “love” I am a magnificent work in progress. I know that God never closes a door without opening a window. As I patiently wait, I am certain that I can feel the breeze as it dances around me. And as I turn to feel that breeze and look in the direction where it came…for a brief moment I can feel, see, and touch the Energy/Source/God. It is the winds of Change… I stand ready for whatever those winds bring to me. I know all my experiences in my life have given me strength, courage and my determination will never leave me. They are my companions and I am ever grateful for them to be with me always on my journey.

Optimism is a state of being that I choose, that you can choose. It has no expectation on outcomes or circumstances. We choose to be positive, or we don’t. That choice will affect our thoughts and our actions. It will affect our relationships with our kids; families and people that you just happen to meet that are sent here… just for us… to help us if we let them. Right place at the right time…Our Angels on Earth. It is a choice we can make anytime. Today, I have made my decision to change my struggle in trying to move upstream and stop resisting what is flowing to me. I accept that I can create my life and my “truth”, I am now flowing downstream with love and light for myself and others. My hope is you will not only find your truth but…be able to live that truth everyday and change someone else life. You can choose to help another and become their “Tory” and have the ability to pull them from their “depths of despair.” What we do to another we do to ourselves. Love it…