Well, life is always changing for me just the way it should. Sometimes do you ever feel like running away so you don't have to face any realities that you have created. Lately that is how I feel, I quietly think in my mind run, run, run. But my reality is I cant run, I have no money to do so and another son to raise or screw up...who knows. I will get up again tomorrow and face the day ahead. I have so much to be grateful for but...I keep focusing on one thing...Josh!

It is the strangest thing from going to seeing, talking, kissing him to complete cut off! The hate that radiates from him crushes me everyday...I am torturing myself by trying to fix this...why? I always try to fix things, that is who I am...this is something that I would like to change in me. I miss him! I know he is lost and there is nothing I can do, He has ran to his sister and she will see him through. I am so grateful and jealous that she has him, I don't think Josh even thinks of me... at least not good...He is such a selfish shit!

Big decision's are coming up for him in his life, we always agreed that together we would make the choices for his money. The money that I got for the little ungrateful brat! But, I won't be a part to help him save for his future, Misty will. It is not right! Every time I have tried to talk with him, he has no emotion... as if he never even loved me or that I am his mom. All of this because...I am controlling? The crime does not fit the punishment! He is consuming me and I am slowly breaking down, I feel myself sliding back to a place that is oh so familiar. Doubting every move I make...or even what I am thinking. Could I be that bad of a person... of a mother? Two kids do not like me...I mean the core of who I am... my personality...You don't change that... What the hell do I do with that?

I know I am rambling on about him...I am writing to release some of the crap I have built up inside me. I always ramble here and there when I am upset I hope to dump some of the feeling's I have at least towards Josh...I haven't been sleeping or present in anything I do...unless it is about my son.

So here are my writings:

From the moment that we met and I held you in my arms,
all my love was lost to you the day that you were born
I had never felt this kind of love...fear quickly aroused in me
The thought of ever losing you, could put me to my knees
So I locked this thought and put it away... and lost the key in me

The journey that we would chose in life was full of happiness
The time we spent together we laughed and giggled too,
Our lives became so full of love... all for me and you
Hugs and kisses would be enough to comfort our lives through
Before I knew it was happening our love became entwined
Mother and son until the end, how I wished it could be
All I saw was your love...today it's binding me!

I taught you how to love yourself and always trust in you
I taught you not to follow but, always lead you through
I taught you kindness and compassion then glued our love in two
I never thought I see the sight that hate would break it through

What would now be told to you...and strength that it took me?
I moved ahead and exposed myself, you a hugged and then kissed me
But then you still chose to close your heart and just sit back and sneer
The regret I have I have of telling you... there are no words to say
Compassion is all but...gone from you, I know not who you are
You’re telling me it's really you...But,this I do not see

I see a Judge...that you've become and already sentenced me
My punishment doesn't fit your crime, you forgot that you love me
I never meant to hurt you...please try and see my side
If you stop and close your eyes...maybe you can see
Can you ever imagine son...me intentionally hurting you?

My past it has affected me... in the way that I raised you
Watching you...oh so close...while trying to parent you
I know you need freedom son... and I was stifling you
You want to spread your wings and fly..find the path for you
But,I know you love your dad and I and even brother too,

Josh...this just can’t be okay with you...
Please don't chose this path
I give what you want today...I'll leave you all alone
But, I will always love Josh even when your mean
Please...don't lose your love for us...I hope you are okay
Remember Josh, You’re not alone...you...still have me
I am your mother and my love for you...is unconditionally