Finding my way

Well I have not written here for quite some time...not sure why...action seems to be in full bloom for me.

But, here I am back where I feel safe, not judged, justified and the ability to say whatever I want to say. I have been through a whirl of emotions and stuck as usual. I hate even listening to myself complain anymore. Last night I started reading my journals that I have written since quitting my job in May of 2008. The pity and complaining was difficult to read. The disappointment I feel for myself was overwhelming.

The pain from my children the last three months again very difficult to read. Is there a lesson in all this pain and frustration I read? Very few days had smiles. Today that is all I want...smiles...daily...minute by minute just give me a smile!

I lost my identity... Today slowly I am finding out who I really am...I am different than who I ever thought I would be...hmmm...thank God I still am very funny...lol...I don't want to lose my humor.

As for the ongoing problems with my kids...they pushed me over the edge last week for a minute...actually all summer they pushed me...in front of my parents! That being said...that is a whole other set of issues I thought were dealt with long ago. There I've said it...Still have some deep seeded crap...Josh I think aroused all this in me...not sure why?

A very wise man told me that children have three levels of rights from a parent.
1. Right of Family Members ship - when your kids are under 18 or not emancipated they fall under this category - this is the whole package... love, shelter, food, clothing, education, ice cream....all of it.

2. Privileges of Family Membership...this membership is for 18 or older or emancipated children...this only consist of Love that is all that is owed...anything else is a privilege...including living in my house, food, etc. Only love is here everything else is a privilege. Love is always given no matter what!

3. The last area is Responsibilities of family membership...This is for kids 18 or older that live in my house. It is an area where there are responsibilities for living in my house. Keep your room clean, mow the lawn, whatever it is...you have responsibilities to be a part of this family, maybe just being loving to people in the house. My Love is always given here as well.

The last few months my kids have controlled me by using my weakness. They have used and manipulated me in my weak areas...not their fault this is all mine. The fear of losing their love, fear they will leave, fear that they be okay with choices they are making, fear mommies needs to fix everything...all these things are frightening. They are my insecurities from my childhood. Things I have never resolved.

But after reading my journal's this same man told me I would see how these family categories would have helped all of my situations if I would or could have held to the criteria of the family membership. So reading last night...yes...I will be dammed he was right. Of course if I don't overcome my own issues and love myself...how can I expect anyone else too.

What I have learned in the last two years...I own my pain and am responsible for it...I have learned that my mind,body,spirit needs to all be in tune...this is the only thing that can help me other than medication. The problem for me is I can touch mind,body,soul but...it is very difficult to stay in this realm for me. I have to get a grip of who I am talking and listening too...your surroundings absolutely influence what is happening in your life.

I have learned what a control freak I am...this is a work in progress but, the fact that I know this about me is huge, that sounds so funny "the fact I know this about me"... I literally am figuring me out slowly but surely. This will make a huge difference on my younger son that is still at home. I already see that difference, you can't live in fear and protect your children by not letting them experience their own life.

I know my skeletons are alive and well...they pop out of the closet every now and again, even thou I thought they were resolved. But while trying to figure out what was happening...lead me to some painful experiences. Therapy with my daughter is one of those, I felt I owed her to that...why? Because I feel I failed her as a mother. After only two times of going she quit...the two sessions we had were back and forth anyway. That is when I realized this is not mine to own anymore. Is she a good wife and mother...hell yes! Is she a go getter, hell yes! Is she responsible...hell yes. I have done my job and done it well...there is no need for me to feel like a failure or guilt of things. The same with Josh...he is alot younger and he is trying to find himself but... he has a strong ground...we gave him that...we gave them all that! My son is in a different category...he will learn life the hard way and continue down this dead end road until he doesn't. But, this is not my life and not my fault...I was a very good mother and provided the same thing for him...Love! These are his choices and he will be responsible for those choices. He will look back some day and see the pain he caused...some that may not be even repairable.

But...the biggest lesson I have learned is I get to work at this every minute of everyday...I am finding myself and my new life...Life is what you chose...what you allow...what you create...who you love. If I master all of that...I am good to go...but if not I am good to go because...as long as I am learning...I am living.